Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Mick from Rochester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that masturbating can harm your eyesight?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mick, I have spent many years researching this particular topic. Sadly, the papers that I wrote on the subject have all met with a somewhat sticky end. I can reveal at this stage, however, that I do wear contact lenses. A rather cheeky lady once told me that the diminutive dimensions of my own penis could be enough to cause anyone an eye strain. Cheeky bitch!
Mary from Contrary asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do we have any news yet regarding 'Perm of the year 2006'? I hear that Justin Timberlake might be comparing and, though I think perm's are the work of satan, I am prepared to acquire one if it means I might meet my idol. He's so dreamy. Are the rumours true Munky boy?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mary, I am saddened that the 'Perm of the year 2006' judging details have been leaked in this way. It seems pointless to deny Justin's involvement as he himself is cultivating a rather fetching perm as we speak. The finals will be held at Tesco (fruit and veg aisle) on Friday 24th of November and yes, Justin will be in attendance.
Rachel from Stroud asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently put my boyfriend into a coma by playing him a Jamie Cullum CD. Doctors say that his condition is stable and that I should not blame myself for this tragic incident. Do you have any advice, Unkle Munky, with regards to suitable holiday destinations for a single lady with time on her hands and spare cash in her purse?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rachel, I could do with a relaxing holiday myself. I will email you privately with my suggestions.
Trace from Derwent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am hard of hearing and was therefore wondering if your nasty little column could be signed?
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Trace, how the fcuk does being hard of hearing affect your 'enjoyment' of Unkle Munky? Here's a sign for you..............
Craig from Dudley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, sex with my recently re-tanned girlfriend is fantastic. She has a great body and is very adventurous in the bedroom. My only worry concerns her pubic regions. For some unknown reason, Unkle Munky, she refuses to trim her vaginal valley and, to be quite frank, I am growing increasingly anxious that a serious bush fire could ensue.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Craig, there is a serious chance that a forest fire could indeed result from the rigorous actions caused by sexual friction. With this in mind I must insist that you keep a fire extinguisher handy during lovemaking.
Battle of the girls...
Gaynor from Darlington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who do you think would win in a fight between The Spice Girls and Girls Aloud?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gaynor, please accept my apologise for the delay with regards to this query. My Sinclair ZX Spectrum was unable to cope with the immense data that this particular problem generated. I can confirm, however, that before my trusty pc crashed, Girls Aloud were in the lead by a false fingernail, a tiny pink thong emblazoned with the words 'Girl Power' and three ginger hair extensions. I hope to upgrade my computer in the near future and will get back to you with the final result just as soon as I can.
Janet from Sheffield asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I will be attending my daughters wedding next week and was wondering if you could recommend a nice hat?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Janet, please see the attached jpeg.
Janet replies - I said 'HAT' you tit!
Unkle Munky says - Oh, sorry Janet. I must have mis-heard you. This column needs signing and no mistake!
'Professional' agony aunt, Claire Rayner from Butts Inn says - Dear Unkle Munky, your constant posts regarding young ladies in the public eye have not gone unnoticed. If it's not Kylie, it's Girls Aloud or Ms. Bumton of Spice Girls fame! It seems questionable to my highly evolved brain that your troubled clientele seldom ask questions that would demand a masculine jpeg. I can only assume that you are as shallow as your meagre IQ! You are a disgrace! The quicker we get you removed from the agony circuit the better!
Unkle Munky says - Dear 'triple chin', your cynicism regarding the subjects of my recent agony pages are both regrettable and, to be quite frank, pathetic. In the interest of fair-play, however, I have attached a male jpeg to this rather unnecessary post.
James from Coxley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do old people insist on forever telling us how old they are?
Unkle Munky says - Dear James, I have attempted on several occasions to pose your question to a highly eminent scientist. Sadly, I have yet to receive a satisfactory answer. I can confirm, however, that the scientist in question is 83. God help us.
- Pictured - Joseph Bradley. He's 83 ya know?
Perm of the year 2006
Mary from Contrary asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what prizes will be on offer at 'Perm of the year 2006'?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mary, the management at Tesco have pulled out all of the stops this year and no mistake! I am happy to confirm that the first prize for 'Perm of the year 2006' will be a set of professional Hair Straighteners by Babyliss (as recommended by Shayne Ward). Second prize is a beautiful Remington hair clipper set (complete with comb attachments and lubricant) and third prize is a beautiful turnip from the fruit and veg aisle. Good times!
Selina from Coventry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently erected boyfriend says that I should consider a cap. Do you think this one will suffice?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Selina, there are many ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies, none of which (to my current understanding) include the wearing of a baseball cap. Your naivety, though strangely alluring, is a cause for great concern. I would suggest you click on the highlighted link and get wise to contraception.
Joe from Clapham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I think I might be developing some kind of extra sensory perception? Whenever I am in a public place I get these strange feelings... It's as if I'm being watched? Do you think I might be special?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Joe, with 4.2 million CCTV cameras, I can confirm that Britain is one of the most monitored places on the planet. With respect, it seems highly unlikely that there is anything particularly special about you or indeed your strange feelings.
Sid from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been struggling in recent months to pitch my innovative ideas to the head of children’s BBC. Regretfully, all of my groundbreaking concepts have thus far met with either silence, derision or (on a good day) laughter. Sadly, my last proposal (Pamela the prostitute panda) failed to make a positive impression and, with this in mind, I have been forced to invent a new character. Meet Duncan the drug pushing donkey! What do you think munky boy?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sid, it would appear to me that 'Duncan the Drug Pushing Donkey' bears an uncanny resemblance to one of your earlier ideas, 'Richard the Rigor Mortise Donkey'? I wish you well, but fear that Duncan will more than likely fail you on this occasion.
Sid replies - So what's the problem Munky? Isn't Duncan cute enough?
Unkle Munky says - Give me strength...
Vernon from Bradford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am going on a blind date tomorrow with a girl who works for Bacofoil. She has requested that we meet in the 'Sci-Fi' section of the local library. Surely the 'Romance' section would be more fitting?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Vernon, please exercise great caution when meeting this girl. According to my 1977 Star Wars annual, there is every chance that you are about to date an android. Personally, I don't trust anyone who works for Bacofoil. Little is known of its origin and when questions were raised in a televised House of Commons recently there was an immediate and, some would say, suspicious break in transmission. Tony Flair would not be drawn on the matter and insists that both he and Beryl use Bacofoil on a regular basis. To be quite frank, such a statement hardly alleviates my own personal misgivings on the subject.
Ron from Nuneaton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you know anything about installing Windows?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ron, regrettably I have little practical knowledge of diy. When it comes to glazing I always give my mate Terry a ring. His rates are very competitive and I would be happy to pass on his number to you via a private email.
Ron replies - I was on about the Microsoft Windows operating system, you tit!
Unkle Munky says - Microsoft?
Anita from Bradbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, it is with some urgency that I ask for your advice. As I type this email I can see a rather desperate looking pigeon teetering ever closer to the edge of a huge chimney stack. Shall I phone the fire brigade or would that nice Claire Rayner be of more use.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Anita, Claire Rayner is of no use to anyone! You might be relieved to learn that, on this occasion, your fears are ungrounded. Relax Anita, pigeons can fly.
Anita replies - Oh, sorry munky. I was getting them mixed up with penguins.
Unkle Munky says - What the...?
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that my testicles will explode if I don't masturbate on a regular basis or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, sadly I have been unable to verify your friends claims. The nearest I can get to suppressing my own basic urge is a disappointing three days. I do, on this occasion however, believe that your mate is talking utter bollocks.
Max from Dunmore asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the very first wheel was triangular in shape?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Max, how ridiculous! Who on earth told you such a thing? The very first wheel, as even a munky knows, was rectangular in shape. After years of sitting in the same traffic jam, a romantic visionary by the name of William H. Eel hit upon on the classic spherical design that, to this day, still remains pivotal to our ongoing travelling needs.
Tina from Fairham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how do you calculate the area of a circle?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tina, simply fill the aforementioned circle with sand and then record each grain removed until the circle is empty. Here is a picture of a circle to help you.
Tina replies - That's a rectangle you tit!
Unkle Munky says - Is it really? No wonder those early motorists never got anywhere!
Graham from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I think I might have finally succeeded in building the biggest bonfire in Bolton. It stands five meters high and has a circumference similar to that of a traffic island. Do you think I may have finally beaten Alan at something?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, apparently Alan's house was burned to the ground last night after a stray firework landed on his thatched roof. The local fire brigade have officially voted him the overall winner of this year's originally titled 'Biggest bonfire competition'. It was quite a blaze by all accounts.
Graham replies - Fcuk it! He wins everything!
Careless Munky. Available at a jumble sale near you, soon!