Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."

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Unkle Munky

Munky in the sky with turnips.

Harriet from Chorley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently acquired boyfriend keeps using the face towel marked 'Hers' as opposed to the one marked 'Scum bag'. What can I do Munky boy? I would like to keep him because he smells better than the last one. He also has a much neater pubic region.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Harriet, I think the problem here may revolve around the words, 'Scum bag'. Automatically labelling your new boyfriend with the words used to describe your previous boyfriend will only cause undue pain and anguish. At least let him prove his scum bag credentials before imposing them onto him.


James from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I really love vowels and was wondering if there are any suitable clubs that I could join in the Bury area?

Unkle Munky says - Dear James, I have checked my 1997 Blue Peter annual and must sadly inform you that there are no vowel clubs in the aforementioned vicinity. Perhaps this picture of Carol Voderman will help alleviate your disappointment. She's certainly helped to alleviate mine in the past (-;

Guy from Chelmsford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I really love consonants and was wondering if James from Bury would like to have a fight?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Guy, your uncouth stance with regards to vowel worshippers just strengthens my own resolve to pray at their alter. Richard Whitely would be turning in his grave and no mistake! In answer to your question - No! James from Bury would not like to have a fight with you.


Maria from Leigh asks - Dear Unkle Munky, that Princess Di hasn't aged very well has she?

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake! Dear Maria, that's Camilla Parka Junior of Ghostbusting fame! Get a grip!


Scott from Antarctic asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do woodpeckers bash their heads against trees? It is a most distressing sight and no mistake to be sure.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Scott, woodpeckers hit their heads against trees out of sheer frustration, according to my 1987 Knight Rider pocket book of ornithology. Apparently, most birds are a bit jealous of peacocks. Woodpeckers especially begrudge them their stunning plumage. For some strange inexplicable reason, only the parrot bucks this trend.

Melanie from Brentwood asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the cable on my Dyson vacuum cleaner isn't quite long enough to allow me access to the very rear of my dining room. I have calculated said deficiency and can inform you that I am just three sprouts short of making a successful sweep. What can I do Munky boy?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Melanie, measuring the aforementioned shortfall with celery as opposed to sprouts should assist in lessening the figure previously stated.

Our homophobic past...


Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that homosexuality was considered to be an illness in the past? Is it also true that doctors believed it could be 'cured' by electrolysis? Or is my mate pulling my plonker again?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that bigoted medics of the past did indeed believe that homosexuality was an illness. It is also true that many practitioners attempted to 'cure' said 'illness' by use of electrolysis. To be quite frank with you Warren, I have no idea as to why they believed that hair removal would reverse the aforementioned sexual preference.


John from Basford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I found a fingernail in my Pot Noodle last night! Can I make a claim?

Unkle Munky says - Dear John, according to my Wham! book of water-based snacks, 'fingernail flavoured' Pot Noodle is not actually due on the supermarket shelves until Dec 18th 2006. You would be best advised to keep quiet about your exciting find. Was it tasty?

John replies - Was it fuck!


Harold from Kent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my deranged girlfriend is proper getting on my tits! I did the weekly shopping last night and managed to get everything that she had scribbled down. She was quite adamant that I got Tapas, it having been underlined three times in red biro! I eventually tracked down said delicacy and eventually made my way back to her flat where I was subsequently set upon for being nothing but a 'male chauvinist pig who only thought of his stomach and who had no idea of the pains that women have to suffer on a monthly basis!'. What the fcuk is she on about Munky boy?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Harold, I can only assume that on this occasion you misread your girlfriend's request for Tampax. Though a far tastier proposition, tapas has been medically proven to be completely useless as a sanitary towel.

Andrew from Portsmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are the rumours regarding George Michael's sexuality true? And if so, do you think he might opt for electrolysis?

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake! Haven't you been listening to anything I've said? Mr. Michael is now quite open about his sexuality and has no intention of removing his body hair to silence senile old medics with homophobic tendencies.


Josephine from Runcorn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what does the 'Wham! pocketbook of water-based snacks' say on the subject of Cup-a-soups?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Josephine, that is a very interesting question. It would seem that in the mid eighties the controversial subject of Cup-a-soup split the Wham camp clear in two! George was more than impressed with the speed that said delicacy could be prepared and was documented as saying (in an increasingly camp voice) "Oo, that hits the spot Andrew. What a lovely beefy concoction. I'm giving it ten Whammies out of ten!" It was around this time, apparently, that Andrew started to question George's sexuality. "I think it's a rather poor example of a water-based snack..." replied Ridgley as George added more 'Sun-in' to his hair. "There is little substance to the aforementioned snack and, on more than one occasion, I have been left with a congealed mass of inedible gloop at the bottom of my mug. I have to disagree with George on this one. I'm giving it five Whammies out of ten!" George later revealed that he quite enjoys the gooey gloop that congeals around bottoms. Pepsi and Shirl were unavailable for comment.



Brian from Moseley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend keeps using terms like, 'think outside of the box' and 'look at the bigger picture'. Is there something wrong with her Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Brian, in order to give you the best possible advice I must first establish if your girlfriend owns or uses a flip-chart?

Brian replies - Yes Unkle Munky, yes she does. She loves drawing meaningless diagrams with big bold marker pens. Is this a serious development?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Brian, you must get out of there! The involvement of a flip-chart has confirmed my worst fears. I am afraid that there is no help for your girlfriend.

Brain replies - Dear Unkle Munky, she says I can't leave until she's drawn up a rota with her new set of rainbow coloured felt-tip pens?

Unkle Munky says - Jeezus, this is even more serious than I thought. Hang on in there Brian, I'll get onto the home office.

Brian Replies - Thanks Munky.


Raymond from Warwick asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how long does it take to erect an average sized garden shed? The handyman (pictured) that my wife hired has been here for almost four weeks!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Raymond, four weeks does sound a little excessive. Perhaps you should just be grateful that your wife has managed to hire a conscientious builder. Men who takes their erections seriously are very hard to come by.


Gillian from Cymru asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the cctv camera at the back of my house films the same scene everyday (see picture). Shall I just take a photograph instead?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Gillian, it would appear that the captain may have been stunned at some stage whilst investigating your cactus plants. I am in full agreement that perhaps a simple photograph would suffice on this occasion.


Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are probably aware, I am an extremely attractive young model with beautiful hair, stunning breasts and perfect skin. Recently an Ex boyfriend of mine died in suspicious circumstances whilst visiting my flat in the early hours. Forensic experts will not allow me into my own living room to catch up on Baywatch unless I wear a silly disposable boiler suit and a rubber hat! As one of the world's most beautiful women I was wondering if I may be permitted to wear something more fashionable? I have a stunning Prada dress and a pair of red high-heels that are to die for.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, it is important that you allow forensics to carry out their painstaking work in peace. Watching Baywatch with a stiff in the room may be normal practice for us blokes, but I fear that a young lady may find it rather disturbing. I can only suggest that you stay with friends whilst the investigation is ongoing.

Black Box

Gus from Southport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am due to get married in a few weeks time to a beautiful girl named Sarah. Although confident that our marriage will last, we are still feeling a little dubious as both of our parents got divorced within years of tying the knot. With this in mind, I was wondering if I might be lawfully entitled to access my parents black box recorder? Establishing the finer details of their split may help us to avoid a similar pitfall.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Gus, as of yet there are no plans to affix black box recorders to newly weds. It is extremely doubtful that either of your parents were fitted with said technology. You must put these experiences behind you and look to the future rather than the past.


Sarah from Southport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you get my email marked 'Urgent'

Unkle Munky says - Dear Sarah, I did indeed receive your email marked 'Urgent'. I would have answered it earlier, but I had pillows to plump. I have spoken to your boyfriend and can confirm that his sudden interest in astronomy is in no way connected to the Bohemian lesbian nudists who have recently moved into the apartment opposite.

Sally from Kingston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that life is like a box of chocolates?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Sally, life is indeed like a box of chocolates. Often the tastiest are taken and all that you end up with is a hard nut who, due to a lifetime of rejection, has grown increasingly bitter. Ultimately you are surrounded by the shimmering entrails of other people's happiness and an empty box that is as worthless as person now left holding it.

Sally replies - Are you okay Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Yes, yes I'm fine. I think my man period may have started.

Smash Instant Mashed Potato 88g

Amanda from Maisdstone asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that by simply adding water to trash one can produce a vitamin C enriched potato based delicacy?

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake! Dear Amanda, I can only assume that on this occasion you are thinking of Smash, the magical white powdery substance that miraculously turns to potato after adding hot water.


Exfoliating facial wash

Tina from Burnley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email marked 'Extremely urgent and no mistake!'?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Tina, I did indeed receive your email marked, 'Extremely urgent and no mistake!'. I would have replied earlier but I had a duvet cover to iron. As to the query contained within said email, I can confirm that exfoliating the carcass of your deceased granny will not improve her overall appearance. The presentation of the body must be left, at all times, to the embalming experts.

Angela from Perth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend is not very adept at expressing himself. Whenever I ask him if he loves me or not I am simply told 'Beer'. What can it mean Munky boy?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Angela, your boyfriend is expressing his desire for you in the only way that he knows how. I can confirm that he loves you very much. Porno mag.


Paul From Eaton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have heard that time stops for Numan? What makes him so special?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Paul, the phrase to which you mistakenly refer to is, 'Time waits for no man!'. Mr. Numan is very special, however, and if time were to wait for anyone I suspect it would be him.



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