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Hiding all the stars

  • Artist - Chicane.
  • Videos prone to removal.

Small Things

Lewis from Harrington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My girlfriend always laughs at the smallest of things. It's becoming quite embarrassing. What can I do?


Unkle Munky says - Dear Lewis, Have you considered getting undressed in the dark?


Lewis replies - What the fuc...?


Slightest



Bungle's Barely News

Bbn3ratarsed2



Lightsabre Etiquette

Matt from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my email regarding lightsabre etiquette?


Unkle Munky says - Dear Matt, Using your lightsabre as an impromptu cigarette lighter is generally frowned upon by the federation. It also contravenes official health and safety regulations. I accidentally fried a sparrow last week under similar circumstances. Think on!


Lightsabre


  • Pictured: Matt contravenes health and safety regulations by lighting a fag with his lightsabre.



Mundane Quote of The Day

Mundane quote clinton



The Big Book of Confiscations

Ben from Somerset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently had a suitcase full of cigars confiscated by airport officials. I realise that I may have exceeded the legal allowance but was just wondering what actually happens to said confiscations?


Unkle Munky says - Dear Ben, I have consulted my 'Big Book of Confiscations' and can reveal that a little old lady from Ludlow is employed by the government to smoke the aforementioned contraband.


Contrabandlady


  • Pictured: Bridget Houston from Ludlow working selflessly to control Britain's ever increasing tobacco mountain.



UK Munky Gold Plus One

This week: The Innumerate Musketeers are ejected from a Pound Shop.


Innumerate musk


Musketeer - How much is this Cliff Richard Calendar, Ms. checkout girl?


Checkout Girl - Well it’s a pound innit?


Musketeer - I don’t know, that’s why I'm asking.


Checkout Girl - This is a Pound Shop. The clue is in the name!


Musketeer - …So how much would it be for five Cliff Richard Calendars?


Checkout Girl - Well that would be five pounds wouldn’t it!?


Musketeer - But I thought you said this was a Pound Shop?


Checkout Girl - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Get out! Go on, all three of you! Get out!


Musketeer - Three? I thought we were five at the last count?



Peter The Out-of-Date Political Activist

Peter the activist


Peter The Out-of-Date Political Activist asks - Can I put a ‘Free Nelson Mandela’ poster in your window please, Unkle Munky?


Unkle Munky says - He’s been a free man since 1990, Peter.


Peter replies - Really? How inconvenient! I spent a whole weeks wages on these fuckin’ posters!



Amy Knitwear's Top Tips

Amy knitwears fuel1



Leaving Marks

Tim from Kirby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am very keen to leave my mark on the world before I die. How might I go about achieving this goal?


Unkle Munky says - Dear Tim, Removing an oil-based paint spillage from a porous surface is notoriously difficult. In fact, I would hazard to guess that it is virtually impossible. This, coupled with your yearning to leave a mark, leads me to conclude that the answer to your conundrum is both paint and spillage related.


Spillage


Tim replies - What the fuc…?


Mary face sm

Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky's assistant) says - Munky, do you know there’s a massive big paint spillage on the pavement outside of Munky HQ?


Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Really?



If You Have Been Affected

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this week’s column then why not write to me? I am an experienced counsellor who, unlike that smelly primate, knows exactly what she’s on about.


Claireray

  • Pictured: Claire Rayner. Agony Aunt.


Unkle Munky replies - What the fuc…? Who let that bitch in here!?



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