Unkle Munky Pg 130

Artist - Skint & Demoralised.

Song - Red Lipstick.

Videos prone to removal.

Rumour Mongering

Pauline from Bristol asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently spreading a rumour regarding Michael Jackson and was wondering if it had reached you yet?

Unkle Munky says - Congratulations, Pauline! The rumour of which you speak has indeed reached me here at Munky HQ. I myself am currently spreading a rumour concerning Duncan from the boyband, Blue. Tell me, has said rumour reached Bristol yet?

Pauline replies - No, Munky. No it hasn't.

Unkle Munky says - Oh. Ahem.

Pictured: Duncan from Blue poses for the cameras prior to attempting Tony Blackburn's Celebrity Foreskin Challenge.

UK Munky Gold Plus One

This week: The Innumerate Musketeers attempt, without success, to use the 'Ten Items or Less' checkout desk.

Checkout Girl - You have more than ten items here, lads.

Musketeers - I think you'll find we have fifteen items, young lady!

Checkout Girl - That's what I said. Fifteen is more than ten.

Musketeers - Really?

Fake

Wayne from Crossgates asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that Michael Jackson may have faked his own death?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Wayne, It seems reasonable to assume that someone who could fake their own nose might also be capable of faking their own death. Further to your question, I have it on good authority* that Michael did indeed feign his own demise.

Munky's 'reliable' source: Pauline from Bristol. Ahem.

Munky Puts a Petty Criminal in his place!

Dan from Preston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, How do you poach eggs?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Dan, I am not in the habit of extolling advice to petty criminals! I would recommend on this occasion that you simply purchase your eggs from a suitable outlet! Disgraceful behaviour!

Dan replies - What the fuc..?

Nana States

She states the bleedin' obvious... Usually.

This Week: Smoking.

Nana says - Cigarettes may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you may later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

Unkle Munky says - Ahem. I think you're getting confused again, Nana. Perhaps you should have a little nap?

The Big Book of Myths

Nigel from Winchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my email regarding dyslexia?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Nigel, I did indeed receive said correspondence. The Big Book of Myths confirms my thoughts regarding this matter.

I refer you to page 17:

Claims made by Heinz that the consumption of their Alphabetti Spaghetti could cure dyslexia were rubbished by a court of law in 1972. “The proof is on the label,” exclaimed the prosecution. “They can’t even spell Alphabet!”

CSI

Mickey from Somerset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, When I grow up I would like to be a Cheese Sandwich Investigator. What qualifications would I require in order to achieve this goal? I really like cheese?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Mickey, It would appear to me that you have fundamentally misunderstood the abbreviation regarding CSI. Rather than investigating cheese sandwiches you would instead be required to investigate crime scenes. There's a big difference between the two. I would recommend on this occasion that reconsider your career options.

Stuck

Joe from New Jersey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I've gone and got an homemade adult movie stuck in my video recorder. I am far too embarrassed to call out a repair man. What can I do?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Joe, The fact that DVD has now taken precedent over Videotape should not deter you from contacting a qualified technician. Owning a Video recorder is nothing to be ashamed of.

Joe replies - What the fuc...?