Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
No Munky, No cry...
Jane from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have just spent my family allowance on the new Shakira CD instead of buying my little girl a new pair of shoes. I feel ashamed of myself. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jane, I can almost smell your shame from here. What the fcuk were you thinking of!? I would, on this occasion, suggest that you return said item to the record store and exchange it for that nice debut CD by Shayne Ward.
Pete from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, a few years ago I had a shit load of building work done on my house. At the time, it was more cost effective to buy a skip (rather than renting one on a weekly basis). My work is now complete and I was wondering - what is the best way to dispose of a skip?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Pete, simply lowering your existing skip into another, slightly larger skip, will put an end to your trashy problems.
- Note - Be sure to hire the larger skip as opposed to buying, otherwise you will have merely succeeded in magnifying your current predicament.
Belinda from Cardiff asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was recently given a lovely Welsh sheep dog named Wayne. I was told by the previous owner that Wayne was very obedient and that he already knew most of the basic doggy commands. With this in mind I am rather disappointed with his current progress. I have yet to persuade him to do anything of real note. He just stares at me vacantly whenever I bark out my orders to 'fetch' or 'sit' or 'walk like an Egyptian'. To be quite frank Unkle Munky, it's proper doin' my box in. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Belinda, the answer to your canine conundrum is quite simple. Learn Welsh!
Amy from Chelmsford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I study fashion here in Chelmsford and am looked upon by my peers as being something of a textile visionary. My standing, however, is currently under scrutiny as I recently witnessed an armed robbery at the student bar and have been asked by the police to provide a description of the rather shabbily dressed villain. Would it be okay, on this occasion, to embellish the truth Unkle Munky? His attire left a lot to be desired and, to be quite frank, I am finding it difficult to describe such shoddy clothing. What if I say he was wearing a diamond encrusted broach set against a black velvet cape with golden trim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Amy, you must put aside your elitist views and describe this thug as accurately as you can. Perhaps, upon his capture, you can teach him the error of his uncultivated ways. There is simply no excuse for committing crimes in unfashionable clothing.
Karen from Lancashire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, in my late teens I was persuaded to see a medium by a friend of mine who was worried that my life was going nowhere. I was informed by said medium that I would die before the age of twenty-five and that I would be best advised to make the most of my remaining years. With this in mind I partied hard for six solid years. I now have three children, a criminal record and a council flat that is so damp I am able to swim from room to room. I am now twenty-five and very much alive! I feel cheated by this charlatan and wondered if I could make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Karen, I am sorry to hear that you are still 'very much alive'. The gift of prophesy is not an exact science and, to be quite frank, a certain amount of leeway must be acknowledged on the part of the recipient A two year margin of error will usually suffice in these cases. If, regrettably, you are still alive by the age of twenty-seven then I would advise you to contact me again and I will put you in touch with a very reliable hit man.
Tony from Crawley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was recently arrested for wearing 'tatty' jeans to a bank raid. What are the current dress codes with regards to breaking and entry?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tony, jeans are permissible when committing any act of crime but must be of a cut that is in keeping with the surroundings. Flares are generally considered to be unacceptable, as are skin-tight and Boot-cut. Turn-ups are allowed, though the 1987 'two inch' rule still applies. Button flies will always court favour with any jury, as will original Levi Strauss pocket rivets. This is merely a general guide. Further information regarding the wearing of denim at various crime scenes can be obtained from your local police station.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Celine Dion sang her greatest hits on board the HMS Titanic as it went down? I suspect my mate is pulling my plonker again isn't he?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, your plonker is not being pulled by either your friend or myself. I can indeed confirm that the screeching old tart sang her awful hits on the deck of the Titanic and that she alone was responsible for many of the passengers jumping ship almost four hours before any iceberg incident.
Tony from Gateshead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I take conservation very seriously. With this in mind I now attain my electricity from an extension lead that plugs into a socket I found whilst rummaging around a neighbours disused garden shed. My bills are now next to nothing and I feel that my efforts to save the planet deserve to be recognised in some small way?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tony, simply siphoning your neighbours electricity is hardly worthy of recognition. You are merely transferring the problem and, to be quite frank, not in a very neighbourly fashion. Requesting any kind of acknowledgment will only reveal you to be the complete and utter shit that you so obviously are.
Nostrils over the UK
Doris from Newcastle asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been a fan of Barry Manilow for almost thirty years and was recently invited by a friend of mine to go and see him performing live as part of his 'Nostrils over the UK' tour. To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, both my friend and myself were somewhat shocked by his antics and cannot understand how one man and his music can change so drastically. I wanted to hear, 'Mandy' - 'Could it be magic?' and 'Copacaban' but instead was bombarded with songs such as, 'Antichrist superstar' - 'Disposable teens' and, 'This Is the New Shit'! Do you think Mr. Manilow might refund my friend's money Unkle Munky? She is a pensioner and every penny counts.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Doris, there seems to be some confusion here with regards to whom you 'actually' saw in concert. The Jpeg that you so kindly attached to your mail would lead me to believe that your friend may have taken you to a Marilyn Manson concert. It is an easy mistake to make as Mr. Manson also has quite large nostrils.
Sandra from Southport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently petitioning to have a Zebra crossing placed outside of my house so that my sleepwalking husband can cross safely to the corner store in the dead of night. Would it be okay to take advantage of my son's schizophrenic condition Unkle Munky? I could get at least four signatures out of him over the weekend I'm sure!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sandra, using your sons medical condition to facilitate a somewhat dubious petition strikes me as somewhat sickening. Simply locking your door at night will put an end to your husbands nocturnal shopping sprees.
Trevor from Bromley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my parents recently bought me a kinetic watch that winds itself up automatically by converting wrist movements into energy. During an evening watching Kylie Minogue live in concert I accidentally over-wound aforementioned timepiece and was wondering if could get a refund?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, it is estimated by the British Medical Foundation that approximately 30% of all wrist related injuries in the UK are attributed to Ms. Minogue. Your kinetically powered wristwatch should be designed to compensate for 'over-winding' incidents and I would therefore surmise that you do indeed have a very strong case for a refund/replacement. You would be best advised to remove said watch when viewing any future Kylie footage (especially that 'Agent Provocateur' commercial).
The Fiat Latte
Trisha from Keele asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my Fiat Latte GTX convertible has sprung a leak! The recent downpours have further strengthened my convictions to part-exchange this piece of shit for a Fiat Mocha GTX estate. Would this seem like a positive step to you Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trisha, cars are not exactly my forte as I tend to travel by rope. I have, however, consulted my 1995 bumper book of shit automobiles and I can indeed confirm that the Fiat Latte GTX convertible is 'the motoring world's equivalent of dysentery'. Sadly, the Fiat Mocha fairs little better and is described by Jeremy Clarksvan as 'the motoring world's equivalent of typhoid!' The only remaining caffeine influenced automobile left open to you is the reasonably priced Ford Cappuccino. A car described in said book as being, 'a frothy little runabout that will easily achieve fifty miles to the coffee cup! Nought to sixty is achievable in approximately seven stirs and chocolate sprinkled topping comes as standard.' I hope this helps.
Zoe from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently waxed new boyfriend says that he is upset with me for apparently, 'making a mockery of his penchant for dirty telephone talk.' I surfed the internet for hours to procure literature on contemporary sewage systems and all I got for my trouble was a barrage of verbal and textual abuse. Where did I go wrong Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Zoe, I am sorry to hear that your recently waxed new boyfriend and yourself have had such an unnecessary altercation. Mixed signals between the sexes are extremely common. I would, on this occasion, advise that you attempt to start thinking in more masculine terms? Placing a banana (or a mushroom) down your knickers should help you to get into character. Sex is almost always at the forefront of our minds and therefore the word 'dirty' in the phrase 'talk dirty' is more likely to have a sexual connotation. I think we can safely assume that discussing underground faecal removal systems is never going to rate high on a young man's list of topics when conversing with the woman of his sexual desires.
Graham from Southport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have just received a text from my girlfriend's dad informing me that she is in hospital with gallstones. Surely she would prefer grapes?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I have no idea as to why your future father in-law would have bestowed the gift of gallstones upon his poorly daughter. I can only advise that you rush immediately to her side with a big bunch of grapes and a copy of Exchange and Mart.
Matt from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you have any information regarding the latest charity event, 'Lemon Aid'? Will there be another free concert? I really enjoyed the Live8 thing last year.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Matt, I have contacted numerous charity organisations with regards to your enquiry and not one could confirm any planned events bearing the 'Lemon Aid' name. I have discovered, however, that a soft drinks company called 'Super-pops' (who produce a sparkling 'Lemonade' beverage) are sponsoring a local band in your area during the month of September? Perhaps your confusion regarding lemons and aid could be related to this? To be quite frank Matt, a shortage of lemons, either here or abroad, is hardly going to warrant a concert on the scale of Live Aid or Live8. You Lemon!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Morse code was invented by the late John Thaw so that he could communicate with his actress wife, Ms. Sheila Hancock after his death? Please don't tell me that my friend is pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, your plonker is not being pulled by either your friend or myself. Actor John Thaw did indeed invent the code known as Morse and, as a result, communicates daily from beyond the grave with his actress wife Ms. dot - dot - dash - dash - dot - Hancock.
Rob from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently valeted wife keeps a lucky horseshoe above our bed as she reckons that luck is an essential requirement of being married to me! Recently the fcuking thing fell of the wall and hit me on the head as I was groping her breasts. She says that the event was lucky for her because - "To be quite frank, I was getting tired of having you messing with my fun bags and just wanted to get some sleep!" I am now in a quandary as to whether the aforementioned horse shoe is lucky or not. She's requested that I hang the fcukin' thing back up. What would you do Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rob, your wife's reticence to have her tits groped would lead me to believe that this event could have been staged. A short tug on a fine length of fishing line attached to said shoe would be sufficient enough to render you bumped. I would advise that you keep her happy and adhere the bugger back into place with both superglue and heavy duty nails.
Gwen from Herefordshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently exfoliated boyfriend's good looks are compromised by his right cauliflower ear. Shall I dump him?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gwen, dumping your boyfriend for having a minor deformity is, to be quite frank with you, despicable! Simply strapping a real cauliflower to the good ear will help balance his appearance and so aid a peaceful relationship.
Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I work for a reputable modelling agency in the heart of Glasgow and am constantly surrounded by beautiful people. I myself am amazingly attractive and have won numerous trophies for my winning smile. Recently, Unkle Munky, I twisted my left ankle during a photo shoot and was immediately rushed via ambulance to the city general for an X-Ray. The aesthetic quality of the images I was subsequently shown were, to be quite frank, bloody awful. My foot is not shown in a favourable light and the overall quality of the prints leave a lot to be desired. I cannot possibly add these to my portfolio! What the fcuk is going on Unkle Munky? I pay my national insurance like everyone else! Surely I deserve better than this. I am gorgeous after all!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, X-ray images are used by medics to trace breaks, fractures and other anomalies that may be present within our bodies. Adding these pictures to your portfolio is not recommended as skeletons rarely secure modelling contracts... what the fcuk am I saying!? Add them immediately, and while you're there get a few shots of your rib cage.
Ben from Leigh asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think my girlfriend will mind if I use her hair extensions as a straw substitute for my pet hamster's cage?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ben, using your girlfriend's hair extensions in this way could prove detrimental to your hamster's health. Statistics show that 30% of all choking relating deaths that occurred in the UK last year were caused by your girlfriends hair extensions. To be quite frank with you Ben, she does have a tendency to go a bit over the top doesn't she? I found a strand in my cornflakes last week and I've never even met the girl!
Most Shittin' it.
Dave from Ledbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend recently caught me masturbating over Yvette Fielding from 'Most haunted'. I have tried explaining that my arousal was triggered by a female ghost that I had witnessed behind Yvette and that the ghost in question bore an uncanny resemblance to my now rather pissed off partner. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dave, claiming that you have seen a ghost on TV's 'Most Haunted' is like saying that you once saw Michael Jackson burying huge wads of cash down the pants of a lap dancer in London's Soho. There is no shame in admitting that you find Yvette Fielding attractive. To be quite frank with you Dave, it's the lying that's hurting my feelings more than anything.
Gail from Hammersmith asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my husband's breast fixation has recently been categorised as 'critical' by our nosy neighbours. I admit that he is a big tit fan but do not feel that his recent tribute to my fun-bags warrants such a labelling! The council have requested that we trim our hedges in a more traditional fashion from now on. What exactly constitutes as 'traditional' when referring to hedges Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gail, I am sorry to hear of your problems regarding objective tits. I had a similar problem with an ex who took it upon herself to fashion my hedges into the shape of a penis. Sadly, the rather impressive member was fashioned on the knob of her previous boyfriend and not on my own. She later attempted to smooth my ruffled feathers by trimming a rather pathetic looking shrub into something that looked more like a bloody acorn than a dick! Anyway, I digress, generally conforming to an angular form should put an end to your neighbours whingeing.
Clare from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are all men hopeless!? I recently asked my average boyfriend (six inches/uncut/trimmed) to purchase a pair of nipple clamps from the local adult shop. Apparently, the aforementioned establishment had sold out of said clamps so my idiot partner (penis details as above) took it upon himself to buy a Black & Decker workmate instead? What the fcuk is all that about Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Clare, the Black & Decker workmate can hardly be described as a nipple clamp... though in the right hands I am sure that it could be used to great affect on certain other body parts? Failing that, make a large list of diy jobs that need doing around your abode and lets see how he likes those apples!
Flask a stupid question
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Captain James T. Kirk invented the thermos flask so that he could enjoy a nice hot beverage whilst exploring martian landscapes seemingly void of tea making facilities? Please don't tell me that my friend is pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, neither your friend or my good self are pulling your plonker. Captain James T. Kirk (actor William Shatner) really did invent the thermos flask. The technology behind this device remains cloaked in secrecy and, to this very day, Mr. Kirk refuses to reveal the mysterious power behind the flask. The strange reflective interior of the aforementioned vessel, however, leads many scientist to believe that the Captain might have access to superior alien technologies.