Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Does your Munky know?
Linda from Draycot asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why is your record collection so out of date?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, I am unable to keep abreast with current musical trends as, due to the financial restraints of being a munky, most of my record collection has been acquired via jumble sales and alike. To be quite frank Linda, I can't honestly imagine anything that's currently big in the charts being anywhere near as good as, 'Does your Munky know?' by Abbanana.
Linda replies - Well you have a point there Unkle Munky. There's currently a boyband called 'Westlife' at number one and they are complete skid mark.
Ginger from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I swear that I have just seen your legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, on the tele performing the Peculiar Clarke classic, 'Down Town'. I was wondering if you were aware of her attempts to make a pop comeback? It seems to me that her loyalties are divided Unkle Munky and that perhaps you should consider firing her?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ginger, I had heard rumours relating to this single but was hoping that they were untrue as Emma, if not a little outspoken, has become quite efficient at her job. Apparently, the song in question has something to do with a charity called, 'Children in need'? I could easily become a 'Munky in need' if this single takes off and would therefore implore anyone reading this column not to buy it. Thank you for your concern Ms. Halliwell... I mean Ginger. I can only assume that the special effects department must have worked overtime to get our Emma's arse looking as good as it does in the Video!
Emma Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Manky, your disrespectful attitude towards my arse has not gone unnoticed. According to Claire Rayner, 'Britain's leading agony aunt', you are displaying all of the classic signs generally associated with a munky in love. As to my pop career, it will always come way ahead of sitting in this dreary little office all day long listening to a moaning fucking primate banging on about the price of bananas! 'Children in Need' is a very just cause and I will more than likely require (and thoroughly expect) time off in the near future. Failure to comply with my wishes will result in legal actions against both you and that Ginger Halliwell tart.
Unkle Munky replies - What!? You've been in contact with that Rayner bitch!?
Ms. Bumton says - Well I wouldn't ask you for advice Munky! You're shit!
Glen from Wrexham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the history behind the circular teabag and what possible difference can it make to the taste of said beverage?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Glen, the history behind the circular teabag is widely disputed amongst 'Bagophiles'. I have it on good authority however (from a man named James McBride who would prefer to remain nameless) that circular teabags were actually the forerunner to the modern day testicle prosthetic. You only get an, 'OO look at his teabag bollock' with Typoo!
- You might be interested to note that the sexual term 'Tea-bagging' is directly linked to the round teabags of which you speak.
- For an explanation of said practice please contact an adult.
Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are probably aware, I am an extremely attractive young model with an hourglass figure that leaves both men and women shaken to the very core of their sexual being. I am easily the most stunning girl in Scotland and maybe even in the whole of Britain. With this in mind, Munky, I was wondering if it would be okay to sleep with my best friends husband. To be quite frank, she's nowhere near as good looking as me. Her figure is not so much hourglass as fatass.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, your attitude towards your 'so-called' best friend is nothing short of appalling. I can confirm that my legal advisor, Ms Emma Bumton of ex Spice Girls fame, has quite a fat ass and I still find it extremely alluring. You need to examine your morals young lady and put aside these superficial leanings that, at best, have a limited shelf life. In short, no! You cannot expect to sleep with your best friend's husband just because you deem yourself to be prettier.
Ms. Emma Bumton replies - My arse isn't fat! You shit!
Deirdre from Richmond asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my brother's gay friend is coming over for dinner tonight and I was wondering if spaghetti bolognaise would be okay? I have little experience of being around gay people and would not want to serve anything that may have an adverse reaction.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Deirdre, you must learn to relax when around gay people. They are just the same as you or I (well maybe not me, as I am a munky). I have yet to hear of any allergic episodes linking homosexuals with spaghetti bolognaise and would therefore suggest that you go ahead with said meal.
Deirdre replies - Dear Unkle Munky, my brother's gay friend enjoyed the meal very much but tragedy struck at approximately 10pm when I served Nescafe Gold Blend and After Eight dinner mints. The staff of the City General Hospital say that he should pull through and that I must not blame myself for his current predicament. Where did I go wrong Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Bloody hell Deirdre! Everyone knows that you don't serve a gay with 'instant' coffee! Jeezus! What were you thinking of?
Lisa from Preston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how green is the office at Munky HQ?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lisa, my office isn't green at all. I opted for a colour from the Dulux 'Smells like mean spirits' range, a colour simple called, 'Serenity Blue'. I quite like the relaxing hue of the aforementioned product but my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, is currently petitioning for a colour called, 'Clitoris conspiracy'! (A rather lurid pink affair that, to be quite frank, gives me a terrible migraine).
Lisa replies - Oh forget it!
Gordon from Rochdale asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am growing increasingly concerned that the late Freddie Mercury might be in our fridge. I am actually too scared to open the door. What can I do, I'm starving!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gordon, we have already discussed this via private email. No one ever said that rehab would be easy.
Kevin from London asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have just received conformation that I have won a competition in 'Neat' magazine to meet my idol, Mr. George Michael! I am very excited indeed. I am to wait on Hamstead heath at midnight where my gift of George will be presented to me in person! Sadly, I am only allowed to ask him one question as he is saving his precious voice for forthcoming concerts. With this in mind, I was wondering what I might ask?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kevin, congratulations! What a wonderful opportunity this is. To be quite frank, I have been having problems of late with a gas appliance and was wondering if I should tackle the problem myself or seek the services of a qualified expert? I would very much appreciate George's counsel on this issue and look forward to his response.
Munky in need
Harriet from Ludlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, will you be allowing your legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, time off today as promised, for the 'Children in Need' charity appeal?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harriet, I never promised anything of the sort! It would appear that Ms. Bumton has taken the day off whether I like it or not! I swung into a cold and empty office earlier this morning, only to be greeted by yet more offensive 'Clitoris Conspiracy' vandalism. She is sailing very close to the wind and no mistake! It seems clear to me that the only thing our children are in need of these days is a stint in the army!
Josie from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am unable to work at present as I am pregnant with my twelfth child and also have numerous addictions that require my full attention. Today is 'Children in Need' day, and with this in mind I was wondering if you could perhaps donate a playstation, eight pairs of Nike trainers, three mobile phones, an Adidas shellsuit (in purple) and a 42" plasma tv for my little tearaways. Incidentally, I think Emma is fantastic!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Josie, your requests have been noted and duly filed in the nearest wastepaper basket.
Storm from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why does my dad seem to have it in for Goths? Apparently, he wants to knock a hole in one! What did they ever do to him Munky? I am now too scared to take my recently exhumed boyfriend home.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Storm, communications between the generations are often laced with misunderstanding. It seems likely to me that, on this occasion, your father was referring to 'Golf' and not, as you mistakenly assumed, 'Goths'.
Tim from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that blondes have more fun?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tim, in order to test this theory I recently coloured my own hair and proceeded to accost pretty young ladies with a view to experiencing some big fun. My case goes to court next month. Should anything mildly amusing arise during my time in the dock, I shall not hesitate to contact you.
Jamie from Portsmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email marked, 'Urgent'?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jamie, I did indeed receive said email. A small paper cut about my left index finger prevented me from replying earlier, and for this I sincerely apologise. As to your predicament? Impersonating a criminal is, it would seem, an arrestable offence. I must insist, on this occasion, that you secure the services of a reputable solicitor. Sadly, I am unable to seek the counsel of my legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton, at the moment as she is currently fraternising with some stupid one eyed bear by the name of Pudsey. Good luck.
Claire Rayner from Butts Inn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, has anyone ever mentioned that you 'bear' an uncanny resemblance to Pudsey?
Unkle Munky says - Just fcuk off Rayner!
When you're in love with a beautiful turnip...
John from Halifax asks - Dear Unkle Munky, after years of being alone I have finally met the girl of my dreams. She is perfect in every way and I really believe that we can both be very happy together. The only trouble is... I am a turnip. Can you foresee any problems with regards to this mixed relationship Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, I have yet to meet anyone who has managed to find true contentment with a vegetable. Having said that, an ex girlfriend of mine always swore blind that she got more satisfaction from a cucumber than she did from me. Thankfully, people are a far more accepting of mixed relationships these days and I therefore see very little problem on that particular front. I would, however, suggest that you take things very slowly and stay away from crowded nightclubs. Nothing looks sillier than a grown woman dancing with a turnip!
Kelly from Newbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that a simple pair of boxer shorts provided the inspiration behind the Union Jack?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kelly, what a ridiculous question. Who on earth put such an absurd idea into your head? The inspiration behind the Union Jack (as everyone apart from yourself must surely know) was gleaned from a posing pouch similar to the one pictured.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you get my mail marked with a tea stain and the word 'Urgent'?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I did indeed receive said mail and would have replied earlier had I not been flossing my toes. With regards to your question, I can confirm that your friend is not lying, and that chicken drumsticks do indeed start to spin (usually in an anti-clockwise direction) if placed in the vicinity of a deep-panned pepperoni pizza.