Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
1. Please note, due to the restricted space in Munky's cage it is sometimes necessary to muck-out (delete) the occasional entry.
2. Munky refuses to discuss periods, anal sex, England's defeat in the world cup and turnip abuse.
3. Munky leads a very busy life. Swinging from trees, eating bananas and wrecking cars can make for quite a full day. Please be patient. Unkle Munky will be with you as soon as humanly (munkly) possible.
More of your problems...
Darren from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently returned from a two week vacation in China. I am a builder by trade and thought it my duty to inspect that 'so called' Great Wall that they keep banging on about. To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, it's not really up to much. The general design leaves a lot to be desired and I am dubious as to whether they even used a spirit level in its construction! I am willing to return with a view to sorting it out, but wondered who I should send the quote to?
Unkle Munky says - According to that David Bowie bloke, The Great Wall of China is the only manmade structure that can be seen from the moon with the naked eye. To be quite frank, I am doubtful that your offer would be taken seriously. I would therefore advise that you forget The Great Wall of China for a while and concentrate instead on projects closer to home. I have a shed that needs erecting if you're interested?
Trevor from Suffolk asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend has recently finished reading a book about Feng Shui. She now refuses me any kind of sexual contact unless my penis is pointing in a certain direction. Is she taking things too far Munky? I am at my wits end and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, having to tune your knob into a wavelength agreeable to your girlfriend is a small price to pay for getting your leg over. You are talking to a Munky with balls the size of melons here. Wits End has got nothing on my end! I would suggest you stop complaining and do as she requests.
Kate from Nottingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, last Wednesday I was told, by a tramp who looked like David Bowie, that the world would end on the following Sunday (just after the Eastenders omnibus). With this in mind I did not bother to return a dvd that I had rented the previous night. As you are probably aware, the world did not come to an abrupt end. I am now faced with a small fine that I can quite frankly do without! Should I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kate, I am doubtful that a claim would be successful in this instance. There is always some crackpot suggesting that 'the end is nigh'. You must learn to take the prophesies of David Bowie with a pinch of salt. He is more than likely a little bitter at not enjoying the chart success that he once did.
Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend says he is possessed by that Shakin' Stevens toss pot. He keeps curling his upper lip and wiggling his hips in a most alarming fashion. Could he really be experiencing some kind of supernatural phenomenon Mr. Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Samantha, it is with some regret that I must inform you that Mr. Stevens is still very much alive. It would seem more likely to me that your boyfriend is enjoying the spirited penetrations of the late Mr. Elvis Presley. There is nothing to worry about... although I would air on the side of caution by limiting his intake of fast-foods during these suspicious episodes.
Mandy from Newcastle asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my husband's B.O. is driving me to distraction and I am seriously considering divorce. Do you have any advice?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mandy, why your husband's latest Business Opportunity would lead you to take such a destructive measure is, quite frankly, beyond me. I can only hope that you reconsider and support him through what could be a financial lucrative time for you both.
Lynne from Oxford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Westlife have not split up?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lynne, sadly, I can confirm that Ireland's number one boyband, Westlife, are still very much together.
Jenny from Belfast asks - Dear Unkle Munky, isn't there some kind of law that forbids the employing children under certain ages and/or conditions? I speak with regard to those poor ball-boys and girls who I see dehydrating at Wimbledon. Can anything be done to halt such a terrible practise?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jenny, I could not agree more. I think it is terrible to make these young folk runaround in such extreme temperatures. They should be sent home and replaced with those agile striptease ladies who are able to propel various spherical objects from their private parts. New balls please!
Guilding the Lily
Adam from Bath asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who sings that song that goes - la la, la la la la laaaa, la, la ,la la, laaaa, la la la la laa?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Adam, the song to which you refer is entitled 'Smile' and is by the lovely Lily Allen.
Lyndon from Lerwick asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently assembling an Airfix model of the space shuttle. My problem revolves around the fact that one of the 'O' rings appears to be faulty. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lyndon, a faulty 'O' ring will only add to the authenticity of your model space shuttle. You could, of course, add further to the realism by setting it alight and throwing it through the nearest window.
Simon from Edinburgh asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently read that Pomegranate juice can help reduce a man's chances of getting prostrate cancer. This is undoubtedly great news, but how the fcuk do you get the stuff up your bum? I have tried squeezing the carton but, to be quite frank, it just makes a mess!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, I fear that you may have misunderstood said article. There is no need to apply said juice directly to your prostrate gland, simply drinking the stuff on a regular basis will decrease your chances of contracting this condition.
Gavin from Stornoway asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been living my life by the shake of the dice for almost three weeks now. Everything was going fine until I recently threw a two and ended up in jail. My trusty dice have now been confiscated and the only visitor I am allowed is that Paul Daniels twat from the tele. What can I do? I am at my wits end!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gavin, that's not magic is it? I would recommend that you get the irritating, short-arsed, cretin of a magician to perform a few tricks involving said dice. During his 'performance' distract his attention by casting your troubled gaze towards his dodgy hairline. This should afford you the time (not a lot) to steal the wanker's dice. Throwing a double six should, in theory, lead to your release. Unless of course they are playing by subversive rules, in which case you will be buggered to within an inch of your life. Playing by the dice always seems to end in tears. Good luck.
Brandon from Swansea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend's fake tan seems to be growing progressively orange, so much so that she is beginning to resemble a 1970's Space-hopper. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Brandon, I am a firm believer in making the most of any given situation and would advise that you take her to the nearest garage forecourt, fill her with air and spend the afternoon bouncing away your frustration.
Cheryl from Dublin asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my dumb-ass boyfriend recently misunderstood my instructions regarding the 'burning' of my Westlife CD collection. There is now a strain upon our relationship that neither of us feel strong enough to bear. What are your thoughts?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cheryl, I think we can safely presume that there was no misunderstanding on the part of your intelligent boyfriend. I am convinced that he had your best interests at heart and that by torching your Westlife CD collection he has done you a great service. I would suggest that you switch your allegiance to that nice Shane Ward and forget all about this Westlife nonsense.
Graham from Kent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the revolution was crap. There were no adequate washing facilities, the language was atrocious and soft drinks were not available! Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I am sorry to hear that the revolution was crap. I cannot help but feel that maybe you are not quite cut-out for revolting? Perhaps you and a group of friends could organise your own uprising? One that will afford you the luxury of being home in time for tea. Attempting to make a claim will probably incur more bad language and lewd gesturing from the hardcore antogonists to whom you have now lost favour. I would simply chalk it up to experience and do something less rebellious instead. I hear that knitting is enjoying a resurgence in popularity of late?
Big Gay Dave Recommends...
...oh fer god's sake.
Mandy from Solihull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a second-hand emotion?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mandy, I have, on your behalf, contacted that great philosopher, Ms. Tina Turner. I shall e-mail you privately when she has seen fit to enlightened me on said topic.
Stephen from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my day is in night but not after twelve. My love is in book but not on the page. My end is in sight, but not with regret and my cause is in doubt, but only for now. Who am I?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stephen, playing these infantile guessing games is all well and good, but doesn't signing your mail, 'Yours sincerely, Stephen' invariably give the answer away?
Eileen from Inverness asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have finally reached Wits End and there is nowhere to get a cuppa, what should I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Eileen, the popularity of Wits End, in recent months, has enabled many of the local businessmen and women to take early retirement. I fear for those travelling to said destination and would recommend that you return to Inverness as soon as possible. In the meantime, the one remaining cafe can be found at the end of the pier. It trades under the somewhat dubious name of, 'Quite Frankly I am at Wit's End'. I hope this helps.
Susan from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently discovered this poem tucked behind my future husband’s Katie Melua poster. Is this kind of obsessive behaviour normal for a thirty-something man who is meant to be getting married in two weeks time?
NOT AS MUCH AS MORRISSEY.
Katie Melua, I love you.
You have a twinkle in your eye.
I have a winkle in my trousers
just like any other guy,
but mine is wired to your smile
and the way that your hair falls.
Katie Melua, I love you,
I only wish I had the balls
to display my true conviction
in a way that you would praise...
Alas I cannot write a ballad
without eluding to clichés
that show a lack of inclination
with regards to artistry,
Katie Melua I love you…
but not as much as Morrissey.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Susan, I too have a soft spot for Katie Melua. With this in mind, I must implore that you call a halt to your fiancés romantic dabblings. I realise that you may be more concerned with regards to the Morrissey line, but to be quite frank, I have no sexual leanings towards him and therefore couldn’t care less.
Wayne from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, that Cher woman reckons that, 'Love can build a bridge'. I wondered if, with her extensive knowledge of structural engineering, she would be able to assist with the rebuilding of the pier at Wits End?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Wayne, I often wonder if Cher was referring to the bridge of her plastic nose when she sang, 'Love can build a bridge'. I have contacted the Mayor of Wits End and he says, quite categorically, that the last thing they need is a visit from some warbling, semi-clad, tattooed sixties throw-back with a penchant for wigs. For what it's worth, I tend to agree.
Eric from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am growing very tired of my imaginary friend's temper tantrums. Do you have any suggestions?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Eric, simple imagining a more agreeable friend should put an end to your current predicament.
Ivor from Prestatyn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I think there is something wrong with my goldfish, Marmalade. He keeps forgetting who I am. Wits End is beginning to look like my only option, as I hear it is a mecca for troubled souls?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ivor, the Wits End tourist information centre is asking that no one, troubled or otherwise, visit their shores until the pier has been made safe. As for your goldfish, Marmalade, you have nothing to worry about. Mother nature, in all her wisdom, has afforded goldfish the privilege of a three second memory. Apparently it stops them from getting bored shitless in those little glass bowls.
Teresa from Bristol asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how come the wheels on cars and lorries and stuff don't make the world spin faster?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Teresa, your intriguing question has motivated a highly technical experiment involving a matchbox car (i've chosen the classic mini cooper) and an outdated globe of the world (apparently, prior to 1960, everything was black and white). Early signs indicate that you might be onto something. This is an exciting time for us both. I foresee a noble peace prize... though, to be quite frank, I'd be happy with a book token.
Jeffery from Perth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it safe to warm your gloves in a toaster before leaving the house?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jeffery, I have (on your behalf) contacted my local fire brigade. They are now sending some bloke out to check on my property. I think we can safely assume that toasting your gloves is a bad idea. Try the microwave instead.
Stephanie from Colechester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if the world is spinning faster, does that mean I go home early?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stephanie, it's any excuse with you isn't it?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dave, you forget that I have seen your holiday snaps. The picture of you on a lie-low in the hotel swimming pool can only suggest that one man is an island. And that man is you!
Liam from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased the manly 'Mach 3' razor from Gillette. To be quite frank, it shaves no closer than a normal razor. What's the point Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Liam, the razor of which you speak is for people who want to cut themselves in triplicate. I would advice that you stick to the no nonsense singular bladed variety.
Mathew from Yorkshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my doctor recently informed me that I am suffering from an ailment that can easily be treated with an 'over the counter' ointment. This is all well and good, but whenever I enquire about said ointment I am openly mocked! I was wondering if I could perhaps acquire asteroid cream via the internet?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mathew, no ointment on the planet is going to cure asteroids. I think you may find that you are actually suffering from 'haemorrhoids.'
Nathan from Middlesex asks - Dear Unkle Munky, with reference to the world rotation theory - do I still need to pay my speeding fine?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Nathan, my tests regarding the current speed of the earth's rotations are still ongoing! Please be patient. The wheels on my matchbox mini cooper have not been up to the task in hand. As we speak I am awaiting the delivery of an austin allegro. Please pay your fine in the normal way.
Heather from Bath asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently discovered that my husband's third cousin (twice removed) is working for PC World? Needless to say, I am at my wits end. What on earth should I do Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Heather, you have my deepest sympathies. Divorce him at once!