Uncle Len's Bible Stories, Noah's Ark.Edit

"And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose".

"And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them."

{Book Of Genesis, Chapter 6} But Noah was a clean living sort of fella and God walked with him from time to time. And Noah begat some sons...Shem, Ham, Japheth, and Groucho. The word is, Groucho was not so pure of heart and never made the cut to be included on the ark. Most biblical references to him have been deleted entirely. Only the King Zeppo version contains any mention of him at all. So, here's the deal on that ark. God was beholding the earth one day and noticed that all was corrupt...It sort of sneaked up on him, I guess..You'd think that the creator of the universe might have some inkling as to what's brewing, but it seems God gets caught off guard a lot. I mean, there he was, strolling through the Garden of Eden, doing a, "Where the heck are ya?" number with Adam..The fig-leafed schmuck had to tell the creator that he was hiding in the bushes, and then clue him in to the whole Eve and the snake story. God got pissed when he found out about the Tree of Knowledge fiasco and started kicking some Adam and Eve tail, right out of Paradise..

The point is, God doesn't seem to know what's happened until it's too late to stop it, a lot of the time...So he finds himself stuck with this entire human population that's so rotten that he decides to drown their asses and try starting all over with a small core of people who haven't pissed him off; namely, Noah and his family. So here's the plan..God told Noah to make this huge rudderless barge out of gopher wood. He was to cover all the rooms in it with pitch, inside and out. It had to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 20 cubits tall. A cubit is about 17 to 22 inches (43 to 56 centimeters). It's a rough guesstimate, taken from the length of your forearm, out to the tip of your middle finger, so Noah had some latitude there.. Let's just say the thing was to be somewhere around 500 feet long, and let it go at that. This tub had to be three stories high with a big door in the side. The reason for the door is as follows. Here's how the King James version has God laying it all out for Noah..."And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them."... Simple enough, right?

All Noah had to do was locate two of every species of fly, ant, slug, termite, earthworm, spider, flying squirrel, and so on, to load onto that boat. I mean, that boy had his work cut out for him! I can just imagine the looks the guy got from his neighbors when the elephants, lions, and kiwis started waltzing up that ramp, two by two. The guy even had to locate several species of platypus, for Pete's sake! Anyway, he loaded up those insects and other animals, with enough food to keep them gong for the duration; all this in a floating contraption about 165 yards long! I'm guessing there weren't a lot of midnight strolls on the deck going on.

Anyway, the rains started coming down. The entire face of the planet was covered in water for 150 days. Again, King James puts it better than I can. "And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man. All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark". When it comes to smoting, brother, nobody does it better than the All Mighty!..Every last living thing on earth that wasn't on that tub had their asses drowned. "And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat." Time to party, if ever there was one, if you ask me.... And then God told Noah, "Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth." Noah did just that. He set some beast on fire on an alter he built, as a burnt offering to God. And God smelled it, and he was pleased. Then Noah grew some grapes, made some wine, and passed out, drunk naked in his tent.

I can't say as I blame him..I mean, can you imagine trying to track down two emperor penguins, while you're watching them clouds gather?...I can't even find my cat, most of the time.

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