Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
I can't get no Munky action.
Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are no doubt aware, I am an extremely attractive young model. So attractive, in fact, that I was the face of Bacofoil for two years running (2003 & 2004). With this in mind Munky boy, can I be excused from paying my Electricity bill this quarter? I have seen a pair of lovely red shoes that will compliment my slender legs perfectly. Surely my appearance is far more important than this electricity nonsense?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, being the face of Bacofoil for two consecutive years hardly makes you a supermodel. Men will fall at your feet no matter what you are wearing on them. Trust me, we couldn't give a toss what your shoes look like. Now stop dreaming and get that electricity bill paid!
Ray from Lea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently residing in rented accommodation and was wondering where I stood with regards to internal restructuring? Apparently, according to the previous occupier, the fireplace provides some kind of gateway to a fourth dimension, a dimension in time and space that allows evil spirits to come and go at will. It's like having a public footpath running straight through my living room Unkle Munky and, to be quite frank, I can do without it!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ray, I am sorry to hear about your nuisance spirit predicament. Unfortunately, internal restructuring requires the permission of the landlord and other regulatory bodies (preferably breathing). My big gay friend, Dave, has transformed his dull bedsit into what can only be described as a 'little palace' by simply placing a big bunch of flowers in his unused fireplace! Granted, his flu does not act as a gateway between the living and the damned, but it maybe worth a try? Good luck. Oh, by the way, Dave says that gladiolus are fave amongst his community.
Trevor from Wolstanton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my cousin is in dire need of a kidney replacement and, according to doctors, I am a perfect match. The trouble is, my cousin really smells and I don't fancy associating a part of my body with him. I, incidentally, smell almost permanently of Lynx Africa.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, I am no doctor, but it seems to me that his stinky body might reject your aromatic kidney anyway? To be quite frank, I wouldn't bother. Tell them you're going away for a week or two and don't answer your phone. Smelly people get right up my nose!
Last Bites.
Alan from Fullham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, earlier today I created this lego reconstruction of the last supper. I have tried to be as authentic as possible and was wondering if they had dishwashers back then? I have a lego Zanusi just waiting to take centre stage, but I don't wish to undermine what could be a groundbreaking piece of modern sculptor.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, I have consulted my 1992 Blue Peter annual and can confirm that dishwashing machines were not in general use at this time.
Tony from Cardiff asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a big fan of Thom Yorke (from Radiohead fame) and was wondering what kind of injury I would need to sustain in order to get my left eye to look like his?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tony, I am a little disturbed by your question and can only suggest that you seek psychiatric treatment at your earliest possible convenience.
Sarah from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my arsonist boyfriend keeps taking the battery out of my smoke alarm! He says he needs it for his Rolf Harris Stylophone. Does this sound suspicious to you Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Maxine, your arsonist boyfriend's actions with regards to said battery do not strike me as suspicious at all. I often borrow the 9 volt battery from my friends smoke alarm for the very same reason. Now, if you don't mind, I am practising 'Fire-starter' by the Prodigy.
Susan from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, this morning I accidentally wrote-off my husbands car and was therefore wondering if you might have the knitting pattern for a Fiat Panda?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Susan, it would seem you are in luck. Please see the attached Jpeg. Good luck!
Princess Die
Stuart from Darley Dale asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you remember where you were when Princess Di died?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stuart, I don't know what you are trying to infer but I can categorically assure you that I had absolutely nothing to do with the princess's untimely demise!
Brian from Nantwich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my private email?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Brian, I have indeed received your private email and must regrettably inform you that spraying your bum with Dettox anti bacterial kitchen cleaner will not ward off the amorous spirit of Freddie Mercury.
Chris from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, last night as my girlfriend slept, I had a sudden urge to join the freckles on her face in a dot-to-dot style. Imagine my shock and horror when the attached image revealed itself to me in all of it's permeated horror! What can I do Munky features? I just can't look at her in the same way anymore.
Unkle Munky says - My God! Ahem, sorry Chris. This is a terrible predicament and no mistake! It is often said that curiosity killed the cat, but never would I have believed that it was also responsible for resurrecting a 1970's has-been. You must be strong and always keep in mind that, underneath the frightening perm and irritating grin of Mr. Leo Sayer, she is still very much the same girl that you have always loved.
Simon from Grantham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, ref. our recent conversation regarding your links with the Coco-Plops monkey. I have tracked the little fella down to a rather squalid bedsit in Croydon. He is living there with his mother and seven siblings, none of whom appear to be of a munky strain. His mother insists that you are the father and that you have shirked your responsibilities from the very day that Malcolm was born! How can you be so heartless munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake Simon! I made everything quite clear in our last correspondence.
Quote -
'I refute all allegations made against me! I am currently fighting a Child Support Agency claim with regards to the aforementioned Coco-Plops monkey and would prefer not to discuss this matter any further.'
I cannot be any clearer than that Simon and would appreciate a little more sensitivity with regards to this very personal subject! Isn't it enough that I have that Rayner slag on my back without you dredging up my past every five minutes?
...does he look like me then?
Swelling on the NHS
Cynthia from Poole asks - Dear Unkle Munky, earlier today I fell rather awkwardly from a small set of stepladders. The NHS medical web site suggests that various swellings can be treated by applying a bag of frozen peas to said amplification. To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, this advice is complete 'piss stain' as there is no indication whatsoever as to what brand of frozen pea I should be applying!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cynthia, I blame Tony Blair entirely for the inadequate detail currently displayed on said web site. I have contacted my own personal doctor and he recommends 'Birds Eye frozen peas' from the captain's table.
Burt from Staffordshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my beautiful girlfriend recently lost her hand in a tragic cake decorating accident. I am now a little anxious about asking for the aforementioned hand in marriage as she may wrongly assume that I am taking the piss. Any suggestions Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Burt, this is a tricky predicament and no mistake. Sensitivity must called upon when dealing with a person who has recently lost a body part. I would therefore, on this occasion, suggest that you simply ask for her foot in marriage. I hope this helps.
Video Gran
Ali from Bristol asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as part of a school project I have been investigating the various mediums that have been utilised over the years for recording Television programmes. I have discovered that something called 'Videotape' was used prior to 'DVD' but was wondering what system was in place before aforementioned video?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ali, what an interesting question. I can confirm that prior to 'Video' the medium used to record TV was called 'VideoGran'. Basically, an old man or woman would sit by the TV and watch the programme for you. On your return from the pub, club or lap-dancing establishment you would simply ask 'VideoGran' to reenact said programme. I have included a picture of the very first Sony VideoGran for your viewing pleasure.
Steve from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why does the adult entertainment industry seem intent on alienating miners? I frequent numerous lap dancing establishments up and down the country and they all seem to discriminate in some way or other against the aforementioned excavating workforce?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Steve, I have contacted my local lap dancing establishment and have booked myself an all-inclusive 'premier' night of intimate pole action. I shall attend in a minors helmet and email you privately as to my findings. The torch could be quite beneficial I feel?
Jane from Crompton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that a saucepan of water will not boil by if you keep looking at it?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jane, heating any form of liquid via the power of sight is doomed to failure. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you place the aforementioned saucepan on a hob of some description.
Bondage.
Gavin from Draycot asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend has been asked to do a spot of modelling for a firm that promotes bondage. Should I be concerned?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gavin, to be quite frank, I cannot see what there is to worry about? Very rarely will a First Aid publication require poses of a sexual nature. I suspect that arm-supports and general bandaging techniques will be the order of the day. I agree, it is an unusual modelling assignment, but certainly not one that you should feel unduly threatened by.
Gavin replies - Oh fer fcuks sake Munky! I said 'Bondage' not 'Bandage'! Forget about it, I'll write to that nice Clare Rayner women instead! The rumours are true, you really are wank at this agony business!
Louise from Harrington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend is rather large and I was wondering, with this in mind, if it would be okay to leave him on double yellow lines whilst I pop into the beauty salon?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, leaving your boyfriend on double yellow lines is perfectly acceptable behaviour for the modern woman.
Amanda from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my dozy boyfriend has accidentally cut his finger whilst shampooing the lizard. How many Anadin Extra should I administer before attempting amputation? I am a trainee nurse and have been waiting for something like this to happen for years (-:
Unkle Munky says - Dear Amanda, it would seem to me that your enthusiasm to perform an amputation is clouding the issue here. I must insist that you get your dozy boyfriend to Accident & Emergency immediately!
Dan from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I will never understand women! My slapper of a girlfriend is mad at me for simply trying to push a bag of 'Tesco cod in rich cream sauce' into her vagina. What the fcuk did I do wrong Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dan, I feel that on this occasion you may have misread the cooking instructions. There is a marked difference between boiling in the bag and shoving in the slag. You may want to swallow your pride, along with your cod, and issue the tart with a trite apology at your earliest convenience.
Jason from Harrington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have heard it said that the Virgin Mary has often appeared as a vision on, amongst other things, a piece of toast and a damp wall. I am very excited to announce that I too have witnessed such a phenomenon, though admittedly my spectre is somewhat less enlightening. Who am I best contacting with regards to the stain in my pants that looks remarkably like the late Rolf Harris?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jason, I doubt that any person in their right mind would want to look into your stained pants. With regards to Mr. Harris, I feel duty bound to inform you that the rumours pertaining to his untimely demise are complete bum hole. Now, if you don't mind, I am trying to practise 'Bridge over troubled waters' by Arthur Garth Unkle on my Stylophone!