Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Your problems continue...
Jennifer from Battersby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that men's thoughts are turned to sex approx. every ten seconds?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jennifer, the statistic to which you refer is quite blatantly false. I have, over the years, grown... (somewhat obsessed with tits) ...tired of having to deal with this particular query, so much so that I... (would love to be a g-string) ...no longer give it the time of day!
Emma from Birkenhead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, would it be okay if my identical twin took my driving test for me on Friday? I have an hair appointment on that day and would also like to get my nails done.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, this course of action would be both foolish and illegal. You cannot keep treating your twin as some kind of convenient backup clone.
Emma from Birkenhead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, please ignore my last post. My sister passed her driving test this morning, which means I no longer have to bother trying to pass my own! These are good times.
Unkle Munky says - I give up.
Shane from Rotherham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the best way to keep cool during the heat wave?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Shane, in this instance I would advise a black leather coat accessorised with matching gloves, scarf and hat. It may not be to everyone's taste but it seems to work for that Marilyn Manson bloke.
Trudy from Tottenham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I occasionally like to go topless in my back garden but, since reading your remarks on page five regarding spy satellites, I have become somewhat nervous about baring so much as a shoulder blade. I wondered if I would be best advised to cover up?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trudy, please ignore my remarks regarding the amazing magnifying capabilities of today's modern spy satellites. I was talking bollocks, I'm only a munky after all.
Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whilst waiting for a bus a man has a total of sixty sexual thoughts. How many minutes was he at the bus stop for?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, assuming that a man has one sexual thought every ten seconds we can safely presume that he was at the bus stop for five minutes. We can also assume that three arrived at the same time and that he more than likely had to give up his seat to some miserable old trout who didn't even have the decency to say thanks... Sorry. Don't include that last bit on your exam sheet. This eleven plus of yours still bothers me Alan.
Mary from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, a friend of mine recently informed me that her cat has fleas. I find this to be quite presumptuous on her part. Surely it could quite easily be a case of the fleas having a cat?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mary, this is the kind of thinking that keeps me awake at night too.
Dave from Kent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, some idiot snapped the aerial off my car last weekend. I have tried using a coat hanger but, to be quite frank, I am still finding it difficult to receive a signal. What am I doing wrong?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dave, I have taken a closer look at the attached jpeg and would suggest that you use a wire coat hanger as opposed to the wooden monstrosity currently protruding from your roof.
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Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I keep hearing a rattling noise coming from underneath the bonnet of my car. Do you think I should get it checked over?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, Simply increasing the volume on your car radio will help to alleviate those clattering annoyances.
Jason from Coventry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend keeps leaving her panties all over my flat! What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jason, I wish I had your kind of problems. In this instance I would suggest that you bundle your girlfriend's knickers into a package and send them onto me. I will make sure that they are put to good use.
Noel from Norwich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a goalie for a local football team. My problem revolves around the fact that I have already conceded over fifty goals this season. My team-mates hardly speak to me now. To be quite frank, I am at my wits end. Do you have any tips?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Noel, being a goalkeeper actually affords you a luxury denied the other players. I refer of course to the luxury of binging. I would in this instance recommend that you eat like like the proverbial pig. Expanding your waistline to fill the space between goal-posts will definitely improve your flagging record. Good luck.
Emma from Birkenhead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, would it be okay to let my twin sister sleep with my boyfriend over the weekend? I have a pedicure to attend to and was also hoping to do some serious shoe shopping with a girlfriend.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, putting your feet before a relationship is perhaps a sign that things are not as they should be? Allowing your sister to fill-in for you would also seem to indicate a lack of respect and commitment. Having said that, I can't help but wonder if your boyfriend might enjoy the experience... yeah, go ahead Em. Enjoy your shopping trip.
Melua Moments...
Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, there is a red flashing light on my dashboard. What should I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, banish that troublesome warning indicator by simply obscuring it with a piece of chewing gum.
Steven from Manchester says - Dear Unkle Munky, I would go out tonight but I haven't got a shirt to wear. Any ideas?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Steven, a simple shirt design can be applied to your body with an indelible marker pen. The absence of constricting material will also prove beneficial during the current heat wave. Have a good evening.
Fred from Guilford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my freak of a girlfriend reckons that a man's beard will continue to grow for up to three days after death. She has offered to silence my doubts by killing me and filming the results. I wondered if her claims could be verified by other means as, to be quite frank, I am quite enjoying the summer and don't fancy dying just yet.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Fred, your freak of a girlfriend is absolutely right in her assumption regarding the afterlife of a man's beard. I currently have three days worth of growth on my chin and, to be quite frank, I think death might suit me. If it worries you too much you could always opt for electrolysis later in life.
Wayne from Shropshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how summer paints a smile on the face of the young whilst, ironically, casting shadows on the old?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Wayne, the only thing that I have noticed during the current hot spell is the way that summer has painted my next door neighbour's beautiful arse a sensual shade of brown.
The future can wait...
Derek from Cumberland asks - Dear Unkle Munky, earlier today I was accused of passive smoking. I feel somewhat hurt as I have always prided myself on giving one hundred percent! Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Eddie, attempting to make a claim in this instance would only reveal you as being simple beyond belief. I would suggest that you quit passive smoking and take up the real thing as soon as possible.
Joe from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, when I am at my local supermarket I often get these voices in my head saying, 'Wendy to customer services please' or 'Spillage in aisle three'. It is both confusing and frightening Unkle Munky. Do I need to see a doctor?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Joe, these voices are merely loudspeaker announcements and are audible to everyone in the vicinity. Given that you are undeniably thick, I can see no point in wasting the time of your local GP.
1/2
Cassandra from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend recently had my name tattooed around his neck. Although admittedly a romantic gesture, an unforeseen complication seems to have sullied his proclamation of love. Occasionally, when the top button of his shirt is undone I am confronted with the three letters of my name that spell the word 'ass'. What can I do Munky? I am at my wits end and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cassandra, if your boyfriend really loves you he will suffer the pain of tattoo removal. Alternatively, he might suggest that you change your name to 'Ass'.
2/2
Cassandra from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my dim witted boyfriend opted for tattoo removal. Unfortunately he misunderstood the whole situation and requested that the letters a-s-s be left untouched.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cassandra, the bloke is obviously a prime example of his own tattoo. What an ass!
Dylan from Notts asks - Dear Unkle Munky, after a rather turbulent few months, my girlfriend and I have agreed that perhaps an 'open relationship' might be more appropriate. My problem revolves around the fact that she is hardly ever available. I phone and text her regularly but seldom get a response! So much for being 'open!'
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dylan, I feel that you may have misunderstood the term, 'Open relationship'. Your girlfriend was not suggesting that she would be ‘open’ for your own carnal gratification twenty-four seven! She was instead referring to the practise of having more than one sexual partner. Just think of her as being more of a 'drive-by' girlfriend from now on. Would you like a milkshake with that sir?
Imogen from Cymru asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently working on a thesis about Albert Einstein for a college project. I know of the equation; E=MC squared, and that the 'E' in this case stands for 'Einstein' but what the fcuk does MC stand for Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Imogen, as you are aware, I am only a munky and have yet to develop a brain that is anywhere near as accomplished as that of Mr. Einstein's. I have long suspected, however, that the 'MC' in his much publicised equation is quite simply an abbreviation for 'Mini Cooper'.
Knickers...
Mr. Einstein works on the lesser known theory of pants...
Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my windscreen washer jets seem to be blocked. I can hardly see a thing and it is making driving quite hazardous, what should I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, simply removing the windscreen will give you a clearer outlook.
Wayne from Shropshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how your spirits seem to lift when a pretty woman smiles at you.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Wayne, the only thing that lifts when a pretty woman smiles at me is my CENSORED.
Thom from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a mouse from Argos. When I got it home I found that it's tail was missing. What shall I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Thom, I think you will find that the mouse you have purchased is cordless. Feel free to glue a length of string to the rear if it makes you feel any better.
Sally from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think they'll ever find a cure for masturbating? To be quite frank I am little tired of my son's nocturnal moans and groans. My husband says that this is normal behaviour for a young lad but, to be quite frank, he had a 'Shane Ward' tattoo last weekend so what the fcuk does he know!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sally, there is nothing wrong with a grown man showing his appreciation for Shane! As for your masturbatory inquiry, the medical profession have yet to invest any time or money with regards to the male urge of 'knocking one out'. To be quite frank, I can't imagine who in their right mind would want to take a pill that curbed wanking. Of course, during the war, soldiers were given photographs of Cher to suppress their carnal lusts.
Do you believe in life after rug?
Anon from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my beautiful daughter has taken to wearing a rather ridiculous Cher wig after reading your irresponsible agony column! She has long tired of male attention and sees this as a way of curbing their unwelcomed approaches. I hope you are happy with yourself!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Anon, I think your daughter looks rather lovely as it goes. I'd still pester her and no mistake. I hope this helps.
1/2
Linda from Abbey Hulton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my husband has been painting the skirting boards in our living room and, to be quite frank, it stinks. Do you have any tips regarding the masking of aforementioned odour.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, simply placing a peeled onion in the room will neutralise that pong in no time.
2/2
Linda from Abbey Hulton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, although the neutralising powers of the onion worked a treat, it has left us with a living room that now smells a bit pickly. Do you have any tips regarding the masking of this unpleasant odour?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, simply placing an open can of paint in the room will neutralise those pickly pongs in no time.