Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
I can see Munky now the rain has gone...
Darren from Blackpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, during Kylie Minogue's breast cancer scare I donated in excess of £200 to various charities. Now that she is on the mend, I was wondering... can I get my money back?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Darren, no you bloody well can't! I've never heard anything of the likes! You should be ashamed of yourself and no mistake!
Freda from Faversham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, was the purpose of that last post merely a thinly veiled excuse to add a raunchy picture of Ms. Minogue to your, frankly, quite agonising column?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Freda, ... it might have been?
Freda replies - Pathetic!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that a person can be arrested if they purchase 'Frequent Use' shampoo with the intention of only washing their hair twice a week? Or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that purchasing said product under false pretences does indeed carry the possibility of a rather severe prison sentence. On this occasion, I would recommend that you wash your hair twice a day until you are thoroughly spent of the aforementioned product.
- Please note - Similar laws are also in force with regards to 'anti dandruff' shampoos.
Brace yourself...
Bill from Buxley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how defeatist the 'brace position' is? How can adopting such an attitude help anyone who might be facing an horrific air related incident?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Bill, the 'brace position' is not an attitude but rather a scientifically proven position that may help aid survival should the worst come to the worst. I can confirm that your previous suggestion regarding 'dancing in the aisles' would not be permissible during an emergency situation as the loudspeaker system cannot be utilised to play CD's whilst the captain is screaming.
Grace from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am very excited and no mistake! I recently entered a competition in 'Neat' magazine and have won an all expenses paid trip to L.A. where I will meet my heroes, Greenday! I am only allowed to ask them one question, as their schedule is very tight. With this in mind, I was wondering... What might I ask?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Grace, this is great news and no mistake. I have recently been having problems with my internet service provider and this would seem like a perfect opportunity to ask the boys for their opinions on whom, in the current market place, offers the best all round package with regards to said utility service.
Leroy from Fame asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do chickens have wings? I have yet to see one fly and no mistake to be sure.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Leroy, I often wonder why I get erections as they are very seldom used in the way that is beneficial to procreation. It is not our place to question the marvels of nature Leroy. I would suggest, on this occasion, that you concentrate on your dated dance steps and vulgar attire.
Carol from Ludlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been trying to build my very own nuclear reactor, as explained in the 1981 Dr. Who annual. Everything seemed to be going fine until I came across the final instruction which advised me to send £50 to the Tom Baker Scarf Appeal? As Tom is no longer employed as Dr. Who, I was wondering if I could just switch on my nuclear device without making said payment?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Carol, I can confirm that the Tom Baker Scarf Appeal is still ongoing (apparently he likes a big scarf). I would suggest that you cough-up as Timelords generally have no concept of human emotion and won't think twice about implanting some kind of atomic probe up your bum.
Competition.
Saul from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am trying to enter a competition and need to know the answer to the following question.
What could Kylie Minogue NOT get out of her pretty little head in 2001?
A - You?
B - The thought that she may have left the immersion heater on?
or
C - That crap song by Russian lesbian duo, Tatu?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Saul, this is a tricky one and no mistake? Personally, I find it quite difficult to get the lesbians out of my head and would therefore opt for C. What's the prize?
Saul replies - The prize is a years supply of dixcel mansize tissues.
Unkle Munky says - How extremely sexist!
'Professional' agony aunt, Claire Rayner, from Butts Inn says - Dear Unkle Munky! Your constant Kylie related entries strike me as a little suspect. Fabricating these so-called queries in order to attach sexist Jpeg's of your favourite pin-up is an insult to, not only my intelligence, but also to the intelligence of the... occasional deviant who stumbles across your column whilst googling 'bollocks'. I will be writing to the ombudsman just as soon as I have finished writing my new book, 'Claire Rayner - The lovey years'.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Claire, surely, in your politically correct sad, sad world, you would be more likely to contact an ombudsperson? You may have a munky on your back, but that's fuck all compared to the fat fuckin' Rayner I have on mine!
Stray Now...
Spencer from Christchurch asks - Dear Munky features, I cannot help but feel that my existing wage is far too low. Just what is the current going-rate for a part time superhero?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Spencer, according to a formula conceived by Brian Harvey of Ex boyband E17, the rate of pay for a part time superhero is £7.50 an hour. Taking inflation into account between the conception of said formula (1992) and the present day, I have calculated that your earnings should now be in access of £15.00 an hour. For further information you can contact Brian via the following address -
Brian Harvey.
MacDonald's,
101 High Street,
Walthamstow.
E17
The Square Root of Kylie...
Stacy from Halifax asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the square root of 38?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stacy, the square root of 38 is 6.164
'Professional' agony aunt, Claire Rayner, from Butts Inn says - Dear Unkle Munky! I must protest in the strongest possible terms! Why oh why, in your reply to Stacy's square root query, did you feel the need to post yet another sexually provocative picture of Ms. Kylie Minogue!? Your sexist attitude is nothing short of a disgrace!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Triple Chin, your constant whingeing with regards to my agony column is becoming quite tedious, to say the least. Having to continually explain myself to a bitter and twisted old has-been with a penchant for chin cultivation is a chore that I can, quite frankly, do without! Kylie's snap was merely used as a tool to depict the number 38 (her current age in human years)!
Samantha from Inverness asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that there was no B&Q when god created the earth?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Samantha, I can confirm that there was definitely no B&Q when god created the earth. There was, however, a 'Do-it-all' and a 'Carpet Right'.
Samantha replies - Ok Munky, why the picture of Kylie?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Samantha, the Kylie hit entitled, 'Can't get you out of my head' was originally called, 'Can't get you out of my shed' and was influenced by a trip to the garden section of aforementioned B&Q superstore.
Samantha replies, Pathetic!
Louise from Skegness asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do men of a certain age have unsightly looking hairs growing from their ears?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, scientists believe that the phenomenon has evolved over millions of years and that the hairs in question help to restrict the whingeing frequencies of menopausal women.
Not being boiled
Dan from Alton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how a kettle never boils if you watch it?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dan, I have indeed come across this phenomenon, though in my case I had neglected to switch the thing on and was subsequently there for almost three days.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the heat resistant tiles on the Space Shuttle have not even been grouted? Or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, on this occasion, your friend is not pulling your plonker. The rising cost of bacofoil has forced Nasa to make a number of cut-backs and the grouting of said tiles was one of the first items on their list of 'non essentials'. Rumours regarding the cancellation of intricate floral borders around the nose cone have also been confirmed.
Brenda from Salford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the onset of Xmas is already making me feel quite depressed. Do you have any suggestions with regards to lightening my yuletide malaise?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Brenda, taking into account that Xmas now starts in September, perhaps we can safely assume that summer starts in January? This being the case, why not plan that all important sizzling vacation? That should help you to take your mind off things and no mistake.
Graham from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have a slight head cold at the moment. My friend, Alan, has the flu. Does that make him the winner Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I can confirm that Influenza does indeed beat a ‘slight head cold’. You will need to do much better than that if you are to beat Alan.