Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Smells like teen Munky...
Phil from Stansted asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why are magicians such tossers?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Phil, I have telephoned the Magic circle with regards to your succinct query and have been told in no uncertain terms to, 'go fcuk myself'. Perhaps their questionable mannerisms and over-dramatised staged performances are merely a way of diverting our attentions whilst they prepare to 'astound' us with their magic? Lush arsed assistants have pretty much the same effect. Personally I'd sooner look at a nice woman's bum than see another bloody rabbit being hoisted, ears first, from a black hat. Tossers!
Sheila from Birmingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, an old school friend of mine has recently invited me to spend a whole month in southern Australia. I am really looking forward to it. I have seen pictures of her beach house and it looks lovely. My only concern about the trip revolves around the rumours that I have heard regarding man eating sharks. Is it true, Unkle Munky, that said sharks often frequent these waters?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sheila, man eating sharks have been known to frequent the aforementioned waters. This should not unduly worry you however as, according to your name, you are a woman.
Skin Up
Bryan from Windas asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I feel as if my life is going nowhere. Since leaving school I have had numerous jobs, none of which can be described as exciting. I currently find myself working for a company called 'Skin up'. I am expected to wear a monkey costume all day long and pester people into buying our bananas. It is not only demeaning and demoralising but also exhausting too. How can I move my life forward Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Bryan, you should think yourself lucky. I am a simple primate who is expected to wear a human costume everyday and pretend to be an agony unkle. Demeaning? You don't know da-meaning of the word!
Simon from Richmond asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently resurfaced girlfriend has disposed of my whole porn collection! She says that now I have 'the real thing' she sees little point in me fawning over lurid magazines. I am writing to you with tears in my eyes Unkle Munky. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, I am wondering if your civil rights may have been infringed by your girlfriend's harsh actions. I shall contact the EU and mail you privately as to my findings. It certainly doesn't sound very civil to me!
Andy from Nottingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if men think about sex every ten seconds and women think about shoes, what do homosexuals think of?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Andy, I have spoken to my friend, Big Gay Dave on this subject and he reliably informs me that his thoughts regularly turn to the following things - Interior design, shopping and concealed lighting. By concealed lighting I am presuming that he is referring to that scary illuminating vibrator that I've seen in his bathroom.
1/2
George from Ledbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my friend's randy Yorkshire Terrier always tries to shag my leg whenever I visit her. It is most embarrassing and extremely unpleasant. What can I do Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear George, this is quite a common problem and one that can easily be solved by simply wearing polyester trousers. The build-up of static electricity will soon shock the randy little bugger into submission. Good luck.
2/2
George replies - Polyester trousers aren't very fashionable though are they Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Neither is having a Yorkshire terrier hanging off your leg!
Ruth from Maidstone asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how come eggs don't crack when they are being squeezed out of a chicken's bum?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ruth, I cannot be sure (as I am only a munky) but I suspect that chucky eggs do not present themselves from the aforementioned orifice. I have written to the British Board of Arses (run by Paul Daniels apparently) and shall email you privately with regards to their impending response.
Matt from Bristol asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that inadvertently stepping onto the cracks in pavements can cause bad luck?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Matt, I can confirm that stepping onto the numerous cracks that frequent our pavements does have a detrimental effect with regards to luck. With this in mind I would recommend that you walk on the roads instead.
Sam from Putney asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what does DVD stand for?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sam, DVD stands for Da Video Disc.
Jocelyn from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my closest friend informs me that David Bowie is still alive? I was wondering, therefore, why his waif-like spirit keeps visiting me on a nightly basis? To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, I am sick to death of hearing his Space Oddity.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jocelyn, I can only assume that you are experiencing the earthly manifestations of the late David Bowie tribute act, Jean Genie. You might be interested to note that Jean lost his life during a tragic hair-spraying incident during his 'A lad insane' chip shop tour of 1998.
Anger Mismanagement.
Adam from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I run anger management classes for unruly teenagers at the local college here in Stoke. All of my students are aware that the lectures start at 10am, but can they be arsed to get here on fcukin' time!? Can they buggery! I'm fcukin' pissed off with the bastard wankin' shittin' lot of them! Anyway, that's not important right now. What are your thoughts on the new Cliff Richard single, 'Jesus loves a Christian'?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Adam, merely seeing that tossers name has increased my blood pressure. What a wanker! I may have to attend a few of those classes myself, twelve o clock did you say?
Denise from Oxford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how the hell do I take a photograph of my camera for Ebay?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Denise, simply googling your camera's make and model should produce the image you require. Alternatively you could try using a mirror to take a picture of your camera.
- You may want to turn the flash off. Ahem.
Sarah from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, on the event of my death I was hoping to buried, but my arsonist boyfriend says that he would prefer to have me cremated. Which method do you favour Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sarah, allowing your arsonist boyfriend to influence such a personal decision must surely call into question the whole basis of this relationship. Only you and you alone can make such an important choice. I am dubious as to why your fire-obsessed boyfriend would insist on your cremation and would advise that you keep an extinguisher handy at all times.
Mike from Perth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you have any news with regards to the private email that I recently sent to you?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mike, amputation will certainly cure your complaint. Most surgeons, however, will not perform such a drastic procedure on someone who merely has smelly feet.
Pissed Off!
Mary from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, when god created the earth why didn't he incorporate more public toilets!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mary, I can confirm that god's attempts to install sufficient public conveniences were sadly met with derision by local council officials. He now regrets having created the tossers before erecting the aforementioned toilet blocks and has requested that I pass on his sincerest apologies.
Michelle from Stanlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why is there no 'Gallstones' box to tick on my donor form?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Michelle, I can confirm that your gallstones are of no practical use to anyone, either living or dead.
Gerald from Bromley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I accidentally got my girlfriend pregnant whilst you were away fighting your court case with that fat slag, Clare Rayner. Had you been contactable I would have courted your advice with regards to birth control. With this in mind, can I make a claim against you for unfair conception?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake! There is no such claim as 'Unfair conception' Gerald. You may have read that the high court judge, with all of his years of wisdom, eventually ruled in my favour. With this in mind I would suggest that you take your claim, shove it up your arse and await a bowel movement on Clare Rayner's front door step!
That bloody woman!
Coco Plops.
Simon from Grantham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Cher's nose was part of a free gift promotion that Coco-Plops ran during the mid 80's?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, what a ridiculous question! Everyone knows that Coco-Plops don't give anything away! Cher's nose was acquired via a Weetabix voucher scheme in which the first customer to successfully return one hundred 'Nose notes' got a free hooter. You might be interested to learn that Coco-Plops purchased the old nose for experimental purposes.
Simon from Grantham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are you related to the Coco-Plop monkey then?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, I refute all allegations made against me! I am currently fighting a Child Support Agency claim with regards to the aforementioned Coco-Plops monkey and would prefer not to discuss this matter any further.