Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
...is still a problem. It's just that more people now know about it.
Lisa from Colechester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I often ride on the back of my boyfriend's motorbike. I like to put my arms around his waist and feel the thrust of the engine between my thighs... Anyway, that's not important right now. My problem revolves around the fact that I recently got my Saint Christopher necklace caught on the back of his helmet (No! Not that helmet you dirty munky). I was nearly strangled to death during said incident and was wondering how I could contact this 'so called' patron saint of travellers!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lisa, I am sorry to hear of your near death experience. Perhaps this was St. Christopher's way of alerting you to an accident that is yet to happen? Saint Christopher does move in mysterious ways (via a petrol driven Flymo if the rumours are to be believed). With regards to contact details? I can find no Saint Christopher listed in the phone book or the yellow pages. Perhaps you could try 118 118?
Debbie from Darlington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am really pissed off with my 'under the counter' boyfriend! I am considered quite a catch around here and, to be quite frank, I do require more than one carnal servicing a week! With this in mind I cannot help but feel somewhat aggrieved that my wimp of a 'so-called' boyfriend would rather stay at home than meet me for drinks and hot rampant sex! His excuse is little short of insulting Unkle Munky. Apparently he is in the middle of constructing an origami rabbit using nothing more than a single sheet of note paper! What the fcuk!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Debbie, the Japanese art of paper folding takes great skill and dexterity. The origami rabbit is one of the more difficult pieces to perfect. I would suggest that you calm down and start taking paper craft a little more seriously. I am including a picture of my latest 'rabbit' attempt. Perhaps you could show your boyfriend and let me know what he thinks?
Rob from Suffolk asks - Dear Unkle Munky, according to the packaging on my Dixcel toilet tissues there is meant to be 500 sheets per roll. This figure is absolute crap as I have just counted 497! What the fcuk is going on Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rob, you may want to check underneath your bed, on top of the wardrobe or maybe in the shed? I swear your life must be around there somewhere?
Maggie from Stockport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the gradual decline of the good old tea leaf has had quite a diverse effect on my prophesising business. I am finding it quite impossible to read tea bags and was wondering if I could sue Typoo for loss of earnings?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Maggie, it is imperative that you adapt to your surroundings. Why not take a leaf out of my tea bag? I now read the stains left by said beverage and have even diversified into the field of criminology. I am now able to produce detailed profiles of offenders who have inadvertently absconded without first cleansing their toilets of tell-tale skid marks. Move on Maggie, it's the only way.
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Paul from Essex asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Unfortunately, I have a math's exam next week. I am a post-punk, pre-gay, heterosexual, gothic vegetarian with sadomasochistic tendencies who also likes to be different. With this in mind, I was wondering if you knew of any 'Scientific' abacus's that might be available on the market? I have looked everywhere but without success. I really would prefer to use something a little more unorthodox than a boring old calculator!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Paul, I applaud your individualism and am happy to report that my sponsor, Primate Computers, are at the forefront of this basic technology! Their 'top of the range' abacus retails at just three bananas and a packet of salted nuts. Please see the following advertisement. Good luck!
Glenn from Bath asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am new to writing poetry and was wondering where I could get one of those 'Poetical licences' from?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Glenn, you can obtain a poetical licence for just £10 from your local post office.
Harry from Colechester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently single and missing terribly the close physical bond associated with having a relationship. To be quite frank, I'm missing tits the most. I have heard that it is possible to undress people using nothing more than your eyes? Is this true?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harry, the term 'Undressing me with his/her eyes' eludes to men/women who use their fertile imaginations to picture the objects of their desires in the nude. This practise can also be reversed. I often 'dress with my eyes' those of a less pleasing physical aesthetic when visiting the nudist beaches of Britain.
Roy from Buxton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I enjoy a very healthy cyber-sex life with a lovely Australian woman named Ms. Cumalot. My only gripe regarding our relationship revolves around the fact that she never joins me in a cyber-cigarette at the end of our session. What's wrong with her Munky Man?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Roy, enjoying a healthy cyber-sex life is all well and good, but hounding a person to smoke a cyber fag against his/her wishes is, to be quite frank with you, wrong! Cyber smoking can seriously damage your cyber health! I can only recommend that you put an end to these selfish demands and concentrate instead on the more important issue of cyber contraception. I always wrap my pc in cling film before communicating with my angelic cyber girlfriend - Ms. Lovecock.
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Cassandra from Ashford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I think I may have upset my father by not appearing too chuffed with the idea of inheriting his abattoir. I am not really cut-out for slaughtering animals, Unkle Munky, as I am a very girlie type of girl. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cassandra, perhaps (when the time comes) you can retain your femininity by practising your slaughtering duties in pink wellies as opposed to green? Playing a James Blunt CD and lighting a few scented candles around the throat slitting appartus may also help to alleviate your distress.
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Claire Rayner from Butts Inn says - Dear Unkle Munky! Your response to that last post was extremely offensive. It showed no compassion whatsoever with regards to the poor animals and just further highlights the need to have you removed from the world of agony!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rayner, for once I am in agreement with your synopsis regarding my treatment of Cassandra's letter. Suggesting that she play a James Blunt CD was unforgivable. As if those poor animals haven't got enough to put up with? I have emailed Cassandra privately and suggested that she might want to play a Napalm Death CD instead.
Toby from Coventry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, at approximately two o clock this afternoon I noticed a five o clock shadow on my chin. Does this mean that my face is three hours fast?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Toby, the accuracy of beard timekeeping has long been considered unreliable. I have missed numerous appointments by naively placing my trust in unruly whiskers. My advice to you? Buy a watch!
Kate from Redditch asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if I undo the knot in my stomach will I fly around the room like a spluttering balloon?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kate, under no circumstances must you attempt to undo your belly-button!
Master of the macabre...
Saffron from Dunstable asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I love my anemic boyfriend very much but, to be quite frank, I am beginning to have serious misgivings with regards to his mental health. He is a very big Marilyn Manson fan but, for some strange reason, models his appearance on that 1970's singing Concorde bloke, Barry Manilow! What fcuk is he thinking of Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Saffron, that's pure genius! Your boyfriend is truly a master of the macabre. I for one shat myself quite heavily when I saw his freakishly accurate portrayal of Marilyn Manilow. Have I missed something here or what?
Brian from Eaton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what's all this crap about 'still waters running deep'? I recently took this phrase at face value and am now suffering from a swollen lip, a bloodied eye and a chipped tooth. Puddles are not as deep as that libellous saying would have us believe! Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Brian, the phrase to which you allude refers to those of a quiet disposition and suggests that there are often deeper stirrings trawling the great expanses that exist beneath seemingly stagnant surfaces. Claiming that such a phrase is a blatant instruction to go diving into puddles is, to be quite frank with you, ridiculous. The only claim open to you in this instance is one of being a naive imbecile.
Colin from Fyffe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what the fcuk are Persil Automatic playing at!? I threw a box of their washing tablets into my laundry basket last night and they are still there! No attempt has been made on their part to wash my clothes 'automatically!' To be quite frank with you Unkle Munky, I am at my wits end. I was meant to be seeing Marilyn Manilow in concert tonight but now, thanks to 'Persil' I have nothing clean to wear!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Colin, you have single handedly redefined the word 'Lazy' with your laundry basket antics. The word 'automatic' when used in the context of washing powder/tablets is merely a guide as to their suitability for use in 'automatic' washing machines. Having nothing clean to wear at a Marilyn Manilow concert is surely a good thing? I am sure that the master of the macabre will be too busy impaling young virgins with his concord nose to notice a few stains on your jeans.
Teswoe
Harriet from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, it has always been an ambition of mine to work for Tesco. In the post this morning I received a lovely impersonal letter informing me that the job of 'Trolley collector' was mine! I don't really have a question. I just wanted to share my good fortune with someone.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harriet, that's great news. It's always good to have a dream and even better to have a dream come true. I'm really happy for you. Well done!
Kirk from harrow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I just quit my job at Tesco. I was a poxy trolley collector and, to be quite frank, I think I can do better. I hated the uniform, the tacky name badge and, most of all, the minimum wage. I am now looking to expand my horizons and have applied for a janitor position at MacDonald's. Do you think their loos will be 'super-sized' too Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kirk, I admire anyone who tries to better themselves but, to be quite frank, I can't see how working for MacDonald's achieves this goal? I believe that even their 'Toilet technicians' are required to wear name tags. After all, they serve up shit so there really is little difference between yourself and the poor folk behind the counter. As for their loos being 'super-sized'? I'd imagine they'd have to be.
Ford Testicle.
Lyndon from London asks - Dear Unkle Munky, since moving house my Ford Testicle GTX has been broken into on five separate occasions. With this in mind I have installed a cctv camera with infra-red night vision facility. Last Wednesday the infra-red lights were stolen and now the night-time images are, at best, shit. I can't afford to replace these units as I work for MacDonald's. Any ideas?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lyndon, simply attaching a carrot to either side of your camera lens will help you to focus on those nocturnal crooks.
Matthew from Kent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently took my girlfriends rather infirm granddad to a car-boot sale so that she could have a break. I returned later with a smug grin on my face (a conceited air that was sadly not to last.) To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, I thought £2.50 was a fair price for the senile old crinkly. I have since retrieved him from the weirdo geriatric collector with whom I dealt. The atmosphere between my girlfriend and myself, however, still remains somewhat frosty. How can I make her see that I was only trying to help?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Matthew, I have yet to thoroughly understand women myself. Your actions seemed perfectly acceptable to me as you were only attempting to ease your partner's burden. Perhaps next time you should price him at around the £5.00 mark?
Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the satellite system in my Ford Cappuccino is rubbish. I have been trying to tune into Sky Movies for the past hour or so, but the only channel I can seem to receive is Sky Maps. Do you think I need a dish or something?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, the piece of equipment to which you refer is a 'navigation system.' Any person attempting to receive satellite broadcasts from Sky using the aforementioned kit is, to be quite frank, a bit dim.
Alan from Swansea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I would really like to study microbiology when I leave school but have been told by my careers tutor that I am far too tall. Can this be right?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, the study of micro-organisms is indeed better executed by those of a smaller stature. Cultured bacteria is very difficult to handle with big clumsy sausage-like fingers. Perhaps you should consider MacDonald's instead?
The Body Book
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Barry from Cardiff asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am sixteen year old male and am beginning to have strong feelings for a girl whom I previously considered to be just a good friend. Sex education was never taught at my school as the teachers were all too embarrassed. Do these bouts of heavy breathing and the strange stirrings within my pants mean that I am a lesbian?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barry, regrettably I know very little about lesbians. My own sexual education was also rather basic. I was simply told that, 'The boy gets the lolly and the girl gets the wrapper!' What the fcuk is that supposed to mean? I blame both my lollypop phobia and single status on this inept method of teaching.
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Claire Rayner from Butts Inn says - Unkle Munky, you are useless! Your reply to that poor lad's lesbian enquiry was, at best, bollocks. Perhaps my informative and reasonably priced publication entitled The Body Book will help Barry to understand his feelings better. You might well be advised to read it yourself Munky features! How you can possibly run an agony column on your limited sexual intellect is, to be quite frank, beyond me!
Unkle Munky says - Plug your book elswhere Rayner! And while you're at it, plug your gob!