Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Munky. Munky, Munky...
Sid from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have bounced back from my recent dissapointment regarding 'Rigor Mortis Donkey' and have produced a new show reel for the good folk at Children's BBC entitled, 'Herpes the Hippo! - A fun way to learn about sexually transmitted diseases.' What do you think?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake! Dear Sid, please be prepared for further rejection with regards to your puppet-based STD education idea.
Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are no doubt aware, I am an extremely attractive young model. I cannot sing to save my life and, with this in mind, I was wondering if I could one day expect to become an international singing sensation?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, regrettably the answer is... yes. It seems that real talent counts for very little these days.
Tom from Runcorn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, according to TV's 'Most Haunted', antiquated furniture and old buildings have the ability to retain images and sounds from the past. With this in mind I am worried that my nocturnal emissions (wanks) may somehow be shown on prime time television? Is there a way to stop these perverts from entering my abode after my death Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tom, I have cum across this phenomenon myself as I am often awoken by the sounds of carnal shenanigans. 'Most haunted' hardly ever catch anything of interest on tape (unless of course you find specs of dust purporting to be orbs interesting) so I wouldn't worry too much. Incidentally my own experiences have since been rationalised by an invitation to a 'Swingers ball'. I was wondering why my neighbours seemed so popular?
Julie from Dartmoor asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my urgent email?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Julie, a simple genital piercing will provide a suitable anchoring point for your car keys whilst attending the naturist function.
Dale from Dublin asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why does my girlfriend keep her electric toothbrush by the side of the bed and not in the bathroom where normal people keep them?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dale, why do women do anything? It's all part of the mystery and I don't really think we'd want it any other way.
Doing Bird
Adrian from Stanlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently lost my virginity to a lovely girl named Cheryl. We made out in the back of her dad's Ford Testicle and would love to know what the song was called that was playing on the radio as we both reached orgasm. It went something like this - Da da da da da da daaaa (repeat x3) da da da daaaa. Any ideas Unkle Munky? It has become a very special song to us both and one that we have now come to think of as being 'our tune'. Any help would be much appreciated.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Adrian, it would appear to me that 'your tune' is by an 80's novelty act called 'The tweets' and is entitled, 'The birdie song.' To be quite frank, it's a proper crock of shit and I would be tempted to ask for my virginity back if I were you.
Max from Hainsworth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have lost the dice to my Monopoly board game. Do you have any suggestions as to what I might use as a substitute?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Max, simply rolling an OXO cube will solve your current predicament.
Pete from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently on medication due to enlarged testicles. My doctor says it might be related to an infection (Either that or am very well blessed). According to the instructions on the label I am expected to store said medication in a cool place. Where would you recommend Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Pete, I hear that Manchester's very own Hacienda nightclub has now been converted into a block of luxury apartments. Storing your medication in one of the aforementioned apartments will surely serve to comply with these rather elitist instructions.
Martha from Maidstone asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been advised by a rather handsome tutor of mine to read a book called, 'Lady Chatterley's Mother'. Apparently it features in an exam that he has invented as ploy to get me into his bed. I am having great difficulty in obtaining said publication and wondered if you could assist me? I am eighteen years old and support an ample chest, dark hair, chestnut brown eyes and quite a nice arse. None of this is relative, I just like to put myself about a bit.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Martha, sadly, the publication of which you speak is not listed in my 1992 Blue Peter annual. I can only assume that, due to gorgeousness, you may have mis-heard your hunky tutor's instructions? I believe that the book you are looking for is actually entitled 'Lady Chatterley's Lover.'
The impotence of being Munky!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that impotence can be cured by simply shoving a magnet up your bum or, as I suspect, is my friend pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that your friend is not pulling your plonker and that shoving a magnet up the rectal passage really does cure impotence. Apparently, it has something to do with the 'magnetic north'?
Barry from Stains asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the Space Shuttle hasn't even got a CD Player?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barry, the original space shuttle was launched in the early 80's, a time when Compact Disc was in it's infancy. With this in mind Nasa decided to forgo said format until it's credibility was proven in the marketplace. Apparently, the next generation of Spacecraft will have an onboard ipod socket.
Gareth from Stoke on Trent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am due to be married on Saturday to my childhood sweetheart. Apparently, the weather experts are predicting strong north easterly winds and say that it will be perfect kite flying weather. I am lucky enough to own a rather impressive stunt kite and do not want to miss out on this exciting opportunity. What can I do Munky man? I can't be in two places at once!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gareth, calling off the wedding would seem to be the only course of action open to you on this occasion.
Simon from Strathclyde asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you have any news with regard to my recent enquiry?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, I cannot claim to be an authority on religion, but I am ninety-nine percent sure that God's middle name isn't Frank.
Size Matters
Kevin from Kingston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, does size really matter?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kevin, earlier today I posed your question to the boys at 'Primate Computers'. It would seem that the majority favour seventeen inches. I myself am using a laptop that boasts a 16" screen and I find this more than adequate for my computing needs. In answer to your question, it would seem that size is relative to the operator.
Kevin replies - Oh fer fcuks sake Munky! I was on about cock! Forget it, I'll ask that nice Claire Rayner instead. You really are shit!
Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are no doubt aware, I am an extremely attractive young model. The left side of my face is considered to be the prettiest side, a fact that causes me terrible anguish when driving my Renault Clit as passing motorists are denied the full extent of my beauty. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, simply importing a Renault Clit from America will ease your anguish and so help aid a restful sleep.
Don from Newcastle Upon Tyne asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think the internet will ever take off?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Don, 'Unkle Munky' is sponsored by 'Primate Computers' and I am therefore duty-bound to endorse the internet. To be quite frank though, I just can't imagine there being a demand for such a thing.
Lyndon from Maidstone asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am thinking of purchasing a new lawnmower and was wondering which type to opt for, rotary or hover? What do you think?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lyndon, I cannot possibly recommend a hover as I believe that they are the work of Satan. Anything that has the ability to float in such a way must surely be possessed by some kind of evil entity? A good old fashioned rotary blade mower will not only cut your grass adequately but will also leave your garden shed free of demons.
Alarming orgasms.
Tony from Cheshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whenever my girlfriend experiences an orgasm she makes a high pitched noise that sounds just like a smoke alarm. The emergency services have been alerted by worried neighbours on numerous occasions. The chief fire officer is adamant that a fee will be incurred if these false alarms continue. What can we do Munky features? We love each other very much and cannot possibly contemplate a no sex policy.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tony, simply setting the wastepaper basket alight after sex will solve your alarming problem.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that in the future everyone will speak 'Modem'? Or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that by the year 2020 the international language of choice will indeed be 'Modem'. I am already communicating with PC's in this way and last night successfully ordered my first pizza.
Steve from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a joiner by trade and am forever hitting my thumb with the hammer. Do you have any handy tips with regards to the aforementioned problem?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Steve, replacing your thumb with a carrot will minimise the pains caused by a stray hammer blow and also give you something to chew on between meals.
Len from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a new PC from your sponsors (Primate Computers). They assured me that the aforementioned item was pre loaded with the latest version of windows and that all I had to do was plug it into the mains. I don't know what planet those boys from Primate Computers are on Unkle Munky, but here on earth electrical apparatus is generally connected to a wall socket and not a fcukin' sink!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Len, there is no need for that kind of tone. The boys at Primate Computers work very hard. Admittedly, young Barry (trainee tea technician) has been having a few problems of late with his gothic girlfriend, Cheryl, who claims to be possessed by the spirit of Marc Bolan. Apparently, when the moon is full, she can be seen riding a white swan to the local cemetery. I am sure that a simple telephone call will iron out this unfortunate oversight.
- Please note - The boys at Primate are currently conversing in the international language of 'Modem' as they believe this to be the future.
Harry from Rochdale asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently attended a modern art convention where I spent almost two hours captivated by an exhibit entitled, 'Fire'. A confused attendant later informed me that the piece in question was actually a fire extinguisher and that the main studio was to my left. By this time, however, most of the afternoon had been wasted! I promptly left with a proverbial flea in my non-proverbial ear. Can I make a claim for false artistry?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harry, a claim of 'False artistry' will only serve to reveal that the real arse in this particular case is your good, if not stupid, self.
Blood on the Datsun
Sabrina from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, late last night my shaken boyfriend informed me that he had hit someone (or something) in his car and that he had failed to stop. There is a head-shaped dent in the bonnet and also a small splattering of blood on the left wing. What would be the best course of action Munky boy?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sabrina, blood isn't quite as tricky to wash off metallic surfaces as you might imagine. That dent is going to need beating out from the underside and can probably be done for less than twenty pounds by a qualified boxer.
Sabrina replies - Oh fer fcuk's sake Munky! I was on about the poor victim, not the b@stard dent! Forget it! I'll write to that professional agony aunt, Ms. Rayner, instead! The rumours are true, shit doesn't even begin to describe your agonising skills!
Sid from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, it would appear that you were right with regards to my latest Children's BBC show reel idea. Apparently there isn't a market for a herpes riddled hippo? With this in mind I have hit upon a new idea. Meet Pamela the Prostitute Panda! What do you think Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake! Dear Sid, can't you see a pattern forming here? I would implore you not to waste anymore of your time, money and effort on these blatantly unsuitable show reels.
Katie from Kensington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have won a competition in 'Neat' magazine! I am very excited as the prize involves meeting my idol, Madonna. Apparently I am allowed to ask her one question and was wondering if you could suggest anything?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Katie, this is great news! I am hoping to decorate my living room soon, so perhaps you could ask Madonna if my skirting boards would be best painted before or after hanging the wallpaper?
Roy from Aylesbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, when I am pissed I get a sudden urge to tell my girlfriend that I love her. I am worried that one of these nights I will ask her to marry me. What can I do munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Roy, this is a very common occurrence amongst young couples. Talking to pretty ladies whilst under the influence of drink has the potential to, not only wreck your life, but also the lives of those around you. Great caution must be adhered to at all times when drinking alcohol in the company of women. Choose your venues wisely and always stand as close to the sound system as you possibly can. This way, any words pertaining to marriage will be blocked by the likes of Kylie, The Scissor Sisters and, on a bad night, Cher. Good luck.
Gail from Aylesbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whenever my boyfriend gets pissed he starts telling me that he loves me. I am worried that one night he might ask me to marry him. I love him very much, but marriage!? I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gail, your boyfriend isn't named Roy by any chance...?