Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Munky Vs. Claire Rayner
- Picture by Robbie Williams. Arsehole by Unkle Munky.
Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a man enters an Off-Licence and purchases a four pack of Guinness for £1.80, how much change should he expect to get from a tenner?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, what year are you living in? If I was paying £1.80 for a four pack of Guinness I think I'd be too shocked to count the bloody change. However, for the sake of your eleven plus - £8.20
Claire Rayner Vs. Munky
- Plug your book elswhere Rayner!
Derek from Croydon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend of two years recently dumped me whilst I was eating a 'Happy meal' at Macdonalds. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Sunky says - Dear Derek, I hardly think Ronald Macdonald, for all his faults, can be held responsible for the downward spiral of your relationship. Nice try though.
Angry from Aberdeen writes - Dear Mr Munky, I regret to inform you that someone seems to be removing your 'problems'! I find this most disturbing, as I do so look forward to your compassionate and helpful solutions. Only this morning I returned to re-read and digest your wise words, only to find they had disappeared! What, pray, has happened to that lovely Tracy lass? Not to mention poor farmer Dan, and the delightful Reg. What on earth is happening? How can this be? We should be told!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Angry, Chill. There is only so much room allowed by wiki per page. For this reason some posts are removed. See the notes above. The questions were answered and have since been deleted to make room for more. Now go and relax, listen to some soothing music, visit a dolphin, pull the legs off a daddy-long leg.
Susan from Bolton says - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently refused my boyfriends request to shave my privates. His subsequent actions towards my dog, Lucky, (see below) have put quite a strain on our relationship. Is this normal behaviour Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Jesus! You could have warned me! I have a strong feeling that compromise must come to the fore with regards to this particular problem. I would suggest that you allow your boyfriend certain trimming privileges with regards to your lady lawn.
Claire Rayner has also butted-in and advised that the poor dog be applied with a factor 30 sunscreen!
Barry from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what's the point of Big brother?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barry, Big Brother exists to make the rest of us all feel better about ourselves.
James from Nottingham says - Dear Unkle Munky, my best friend recently 'made a move' on me in a nightclub called 'Regrets'. I had no idea that he felt this way towards me. I do not want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I am a hetero. Do you have any advice?
Unkle Munky says - Dear James, coming out as a hetero is a difficult, but necessary step to take if this friendship is to survive. I realise that being straight is often frowned upon by certain sections of the community. It is imperative, however, that you be true to yourself. If he is, as you say, a good friend, then he will accept you regardless of your sexual orientation. Good luck. My thoughts are with you.
Barbara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am at my wits end. My seventeen-stone hairy-arse hulk of a husband has become fixated with a certain Shayne Ward. I realise that I am flouting Munky rules by mentioning Shayne's name, but I wondered if you could offer me any advice.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barbara, due to the recent breakdown in communications between a certain agony aunt and myself, I have been unable to find any kind of closure with regards to this subject. I find myself thinking of Shayne at the most inopportune of times and, to be quite frank, I am at my wits end. We must hope and pray that young Kylie gets her lovely pert arse back onto the scene asap. I fear that she is the only antidote to the random bouts of Shayne worship that have been responsible for prematurely staining the marital mattresses of Britain.
Puzzled from Purley asks - Who's Shayne Ward?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Puzzled, Shayne is the young man who won last years X-factor (the reality tv show that scouts the country for singers and weirdos). Shayne was a firm (no pun intended) favourite from the start. I was hoping that the need to post another picture of Shayne would not arise as I didn't want to add further to the current epidemic. I have chosen a picture that, apparently, does not show him at his best. Please use caution when viewing, he's gorgeous.
Shaun from Hull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my computer keeps crashing and it is really starting to get on my tits. Do you have any advice?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Shaun, I have had the same intermittent problem with my laptop for the past two weeks. I can only suggest that you throw it out of the nearest window. This will not solve your problem, but it will make you feel so much better. Apparently, that clever Mr. Gates named his operating system ‘Windows’ for this very reason.
Tom from Halifax asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my laptop has one of those touch sensor thingies (instead of a mouse). I find that during the hot weather, when my fingers are sweaty, that the cursor is very hard to control. I have tried washing my hands, but the bloody thing is still all over the place. To be quite frank, I am at my wits end! Any ideas Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tom, I know exactly what you mean. I also use a touch-pad as opposed to a mouse and already today I have accidentally ordered a rabbit, an arab strap and a pair of vibrating eggs (whatever they are). If the sticky weather continues I shall be purchasing a standard mouse, I suggest that you might want to do the same.
Natalie from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my husband seems to have lost all interest in the bedroom. I am at my wits end. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Natalie, why not make a feature of a bare wall by adding a vibrant splash of colour? Concealed lighting and modern stencilling techniques, if used with flare and imagination, can also add interest and warmth to any room. Good luck.
Unkle Munky recommends ‘Rayner Sanitary Towels’
Carl from Fullford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whilst flouting a ‘No smoking’ rule at my local restaurant, I accidentally set fire to my ‘George Bush’ baseball cap. I have a strong suspicion that the lighter was faulty. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Carl, I fear that the only reasonable claim open to you in this instance is one of insanity.
Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what are quadratic equations?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, quadratic equations are just like normal equations (only they come in packs of four).
George from Sussex asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend recently discovered that she cannot bear children. Do you have any advice?
Unkle Munky says - Dear George, tell your girlfriend not to worry. She is not alone. I can’t stand children either.
Louise from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend has been staring into Shayne Ward’s eyes for the past two days. To be quite frank, I am at my wits end! Could you please post a picture of Kylie’s arse before things go too far?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, I do admittedly feel more than a little responsible for your boyfriend’s current state and shall make amends shortly by posting a picture Kylie’s delectably delicious derriere.
An Apology.
Further to the previous entry regarding Shane Ward aversion therapy - I am sorry to inform you that, due to a legal technicality, I am unable to post a picture of Kylie’s arse. I have however found a suitable/ish alternative.
Louise from Derby says - That’s hardly done the trick Munky. Thanks for nothing!
Unkle Munky says - Well it’s hardly my fault that Shayne Ward is so good looking! Perhaps you should shave your head and fashion a five 0 clock shadow from the clippings?
Here's a picture to work from...
Graham from Nottingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is man any nearer to discovering a cure for the common cold?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I am afraid that we are no closer to finding a cure for the common cold. It is widely believed, however, that the posh cold can be alleviated by drinking copious amounts of Champagne.
Darren from Dundee asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Darren, I have often purchased cakes with the sole intention of eating them. This is one rule that I openly advise you to flout.
Eddy from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have spent the last thirty five years tirelessly working on a wonderful machine that will record your favourite TV programmes to tape (similar to audio tape). How do I go about patenting my device Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Eddy, it is with some regret that I am forced to inform you that the VCR (video cassette recorder) has been on the market now for approx thirty five years. Perhaps you should work on a machine that will record to shiny silver discs instead?
Eddy from Leeds says - Oh bugger!
Denise from Aberdeen asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have just returned home from a shopping trip where I saw the most beautiful pair of shoes. Really Munky, they are to die for! Trouble is, they only have them in 4’s and I’m a 5’s. What’s a girl to do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Denise, if these shoes are really worth dying for, then surely having your toes amputated will pose no real problem? Good luck!
Clouding the issue...
Ryan from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how clouds can sometimes take on the appearance of solid objects? Here's one I noticed earlier. See if you can guess what it is.
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake...
Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a drug dealer buys ten grams of coke for £200.00 and sells at £35 per gram, what will his profit be?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, are you sure this is an eleven plus exam that you are sitting? In response to your question, £150.00
Christine from Middlesex asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my clairvoyant boyfriend says that there is no chance of a marriage proposal as I will, on June 12th 2007, cheat on him by sleeping with his brother. Where’s the trust Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Christine, I too am a little psychic (5’ 8” to be exact) and can inform you that the cheating swine will be unfaithful before June 12th 2007. My advice? Keep an eye on him when he’s around your Granny! Nuff said.
Trevor from Carlisle asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how can I get my molars to gleam like that Tony Blair’s?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, I can only assume that licking a president's arse has a positive effect upon teeth enamel.
Ryan from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I’ve seen another cloud anomaly! Can you tell what this one looks like?
Unkle Munky Says - Dear Ryan, it’s a parachute… Jeezus!
Martin from Suffolk asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you believe in life after death?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Martin, I would first need proof that life existed prior to death before contemplating it’s existence elsewhere.
Andrew from Lincoln asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have now attempted to hang myself on three separate occasions. What is wrong with me?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Andrew, be strong. I am sure you'll get the hang of it eventually.
Rebecca from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it normal for a medium to communicate with the dead via a Motorola RazR V3X mobile phone?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rebecca, the vulnerable state of the recently bereaved is often played upon by charlatans. Even Motorola would concede that the highly successful RazR V3X model is incapable of connecting with those who have slipped this mortal coil (though connecting to the web is a breeze, apparently).
Gary from Hammersmith asks - Dear Unkle Munky, isn't it time we had some Munky Magic around here? I refer of course to the fairer sex. Go on Munky, brighten up my day with a lovely stunner.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gary, surely the Shayne Ward picture covers all bases? You must be extremely hetero, and with this in mind here's a Munky Stunner from my own private collection.
Gary from Hammersmith asks - Dear Unkle Munky, you are one sick primate.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gary, you are obviously a very hard man to please. Anne Widdecombe is a strong and formidible lady who takes no crap from anyone. Although shocked by your attitude, I am willing to make amends by posting a picture of Anne with blonde hair.
Julie from Devon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a box of man-sized tissues for my husband as he suffers terribly with hay-fever during the summer months. Upon closer inspection we were both shocked and disappointed to discover that the enclosed tissues were barely man-sized at all! Do you think I can make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Julie, I must at this juncture turn your attention to the plight of little Ronnie Corbett, Nik Kershaw, that weird woman/schoolboy conspiracy from The Krankees and, of course, Tom Thumb. Men come in a variety of sizes so, technically, no law has been broken. With this in mind I would advise you to revaluate your thoughts with regards to making a claim.
Tom from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend is currently training to become a firefighter! Is this kind of work really suitable for a woman?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tom, welcome to the twenty first century! Women are no longer expected to keep house and home whilst men run around extinguishing the fires that they discovered all those years ago. We have moved on Tom! Now, if you'll excuse me, the 'little lady' has my dinner on the table.
Gillian from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you have any ideas as to how my mates and myself can enjoy the summer months without Glastonbury?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gillian, Glastonbury is occasionally afforded a break so that the ground can recover. With this in mind, why not purchase a paddling pool and fill it with mud. For added effect, expose yourself to total strangers and poo in a makeshift portaloo (a neighbours shed for instance). Add chemicals, beer and music and leave the rest to the authorities. Good luck.
Simon from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend is a bit geeky. She is currently building a spaceship in my backyard. I fancied a barbeque tonight, but there is no bloody room! To be quite frank, I'm at my wits end Unkle Munky. Any advice?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, perhaps you could accelerate your girlfriend's voyage into space by assisting with the construction process? The sooner she launches, the sooner you get your garden back! Good luck.
Claire Rayner recommends...
Bitch!