Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Better the Munky you know...
Daz from Darlington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have spent many years perfecting my time machine contraption. In the process I have lost my wife, my home, my Sinlcair ZX-Spectrum (with integral datacorder) and most of my hair. Last night I finally completed work on the critical 'time warp interface unit'. I will be attempting to travel back to 1996 (a year when everything in my garden was turnip) just as soon as the Eastenders omnibus has finished. My problem, Unkle Munky, revolves around the fact that I cannot find a mains extension lead long enough to stretch back a whole decade! What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Daz, perhaps you should have considered the cordless option when designing your time machine. There is a 50M extension cable available from Argos, but (according to my 1979 Doctor Who annual) this will only return you to last Wednesday. Continually hopping back over a three day time span until you reach 1996 would seem, at this stage, to be your only viable option.
Sophie from Stockport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been a big fan of Rolf Harris ever since childhood. I really admire his artistic flair and infectious enthusiasm. Throughout the years I have found him to be a great source of inspiration. At the age of seven I was lucky enough to actually meet him in person! It was the best day of my life and one that I shall never forget. I even have a small sketch of a turnip that he drew for me on the back of a signed envelope. What a truly lovely man. With this in mind, Unkle Munky, do you think that he might die soon? I have bills coming out of my arse and I could really do with cashing in on his death? He's getting on a bit isn't he? Surely he can't have much longer left?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sophie, the chances of your inspirational role model dying any time soon are, to be quite frank, very remote. I have contacted Rolf's management team, on your behalf, and they have confirmed that the bearded antipodean is extremely fit and well. You could be looking in the region of at least twenty years before realising the locked-in potential of your turnip sketch. You would have been better advised to attain a paw print from Blue Peter's Goldie looking dog.
Roger from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently been suspended from my high-flying pilot position because of a near mid-air collision with a Boeing 747. The incident has been logged with my superiors and I will be attending a tribunal in mid October. My co-pilot, incidently, agrees that The Times crossword puzzle was extremely difficult on that particular day. With this in mind, Unkle Munky, 14 down - Vitamin A - Begins with 'R' and ends in 'L' - 7 letters, any ideas?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Roger, I am sorry to hear that you almost brought down a 747. The Times crossword puzzle has a lot to answer for and no mistake. The answer to 14 down is 'Retinol'. Good luck with the tribunal.
Argos. The movie!
Tina from Chester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are there any plans to turn the new Argos autumn/winter catalogue into a film?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tina, sadly there are no plans at present to turn the Argos autumn/winter catalogue into a film. I can confirm, however, that Holywood actress Nicole Kidman (pictured) has already expressed an interest in playing the part of a stainless steel Morphy Richards breadmaking machine (page 706). Her undoubted influence could sway movie moguls into action and, with this in mind, Tom Hanks (not pictured) has refused to rule out the part of Richard the Reebok mini trampoline (page1272).
Richie from Exeter asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the chemical symbol for a coat hanger?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Richie, please see attached Jpeg.
Apology
Sorry Richie, the Jpeg I attached earlier actually depicts the chemical symbol for Methanol. An easy mistake to make as they are both very similar. Please find the correct symbol for a coat hanger to the left of this post.
Theresa from Stourbridge asks - last night a bloody big billboard fell on my head as I waited patiently for the number 18 bus! Surely that quote - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me' is complete bollocks. Who do I sue munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Theresa, any claims pertaining to this unsound construction would be better made against the erectors of said billboard and not the luminary force behind the classic 'sticks and stones' quote.
Alan from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, last week I attempted to surprise my girlfriend by cleaning our flat. I discarded numerous items as the place was looking rather cluttered. My efforts were sadly met with derision rather than gratitude as, apparently, I had thrown away her 10" silver love wand. I tried explaining that she now had me, and therefore little use for a 'love wand' (but this only seemed to aggravate the situation). She reckons that my dinkle just isn't the same? I have tried painting it silver but still she grieves. What can I do Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, I can only presume that your girlfriend's vibrator was a little longer than your penis? Simply applying a coat of silver paint will not rectify this shortfall. I would suggest that you purchase a new 'wand' immediately (if not sooner).
Garth from Preston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been suffering terribly with writer's block of late. Do you have any advise with regards to this most distressing of conditions?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Garth, I recently had problems with a blocked toilet and found the good folk at Dyno Rod to be most helpful.
Sophie from Stockport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is there any news on Rolf yet?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sophie, still alive I'm afraid.
Bugger!!!
Upside Frown
Gary from Solihull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, on my way to work this morning I spotted a twenty pence piece on the pavement. Upon closer inspection I discovered that the queen's head appeared to be upside-down! Surely this strange anomaly could seriously inflate the value of my discovery? How much do you think it could be worth munky man?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gary, simply rotating the aforementioned coin will reverse this so called 'anomaly' of yours. The highest value that I can estimate at present would be in the region of... twenty pence.
Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are no doubt aware, I am an extremely attractive young model. I enjoy great success in both my private and public life. I believe that I am loved by everyone and, to be quite frank, it isn't hard to understand why. To put it in terms that a simple munky might understand, I am the dogs bollocks. With all of this in mind, I was wondering if I might be exempt from paying my local council tax this year?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, you may look exquisite in a thong and edible in a bikini, but your seemingly exaggerated modesty is, in terms that only a munky can express, complete anal leakage. Pay your council tax immediately or I'll report you myself!
Dean from Gateshead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, some arse of a trainee optician has gone and fitted miniscule frames around my contact lenses! To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, I look ridiculous. I was meant to be going on a date tonight and wanted to make a good impression. I'm proper titsed off and no mistake. Any ideas?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dean, I guess that my making a flippant remark regarding blind dates would be both predictable and uncharitable at this stage..? Simply terming your new spectacles as 'Micro specs' and insisting that they are the latest trend in designer eyewear should help procure a few hours of credibility with your aforementioned date. Please be aware that soft contact lenses become brittle if not regularly soaked in saline. You may need to take an atomiser of some description. Good luck.
Fanny
Charlie from Droitwich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my new fan-assisted oven is shit! The stupid thing still gets red hot! The fcuking fan doesn't seem to cool it down at all! I am at my wits end and no mistake to be sure. Shall I take it back to Argos?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Charlie, the fan in a 'fan assisted' oven is there to promote an even distribution of latent heat, it is not there to cool said apparatus down. Taking your oven back to Argos for this reason would only serve to reveal your technical inaptitude and crass stupidity. Incidentally, you might be interested to note that Sharon Stone has offered to play the part of Fanny, the fan-assisted oven in 'Argos' (the movie). Remember where you heard it first.
Christina from Farnbrough asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my husband has recently taken to storing his urine in jam jars! I am at my wits end and no mistake. Do you have any suggestions munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Christina, this is a most distressing and no mistake. Surely the inadequate storage potential of a jam jar must cause incidents of over-spill? I would suggest, on this occasion, that your husband consider the 2 litre plastic bottles often used to store water or soft drinks.
Christina Replies - Oh fer fcuks sake Munky. It's not the storage that is causing my distress, it's... oh forget it! I'll write to that lovely Claire Rayner woman instead. You really are shit at this.
Sharon from Telford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a dvd entitled 'Postcards from the edge'. I am very disappointed with the content and wondered who I should contact in order to voice my opinion?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sharon, on this occasion I would advise that you contact U2's management rather than attempting to contact 'The Edge' himself. I too was very disappointed with the contents of said dvd. Good luck.
Dylan from Avon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am proper pissed off and no mistake. My wife and myself have just returned from viewing a house in our local area. We have been living with her parent now for almost two years, and to be quite frank, it's killing our sex life. Anyway, that's not important right now. As my wife was walking into the kitchen of said property the estate agent remarked upon, 'a lovely rear aspect'! Now, I'm not saying the my wife hasn't got a nice arse - quite the opposite, it's lush and no mistake, but that doesn't give some spotty estate agent the right to be so disrespectful! Who do I approach, Unkle Munky, with a view to getting this idiot sacked?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dylan, the term - 'a lovely rear aspect' is used regularly amongst estate agents and merely refers to the rear of said properties (kitchens/conservatories/gardens). I am sure that the young agent in question was not referring to your wife's arse and I would therefore advise you to take no action on this occasion.
Dylan replies - What! so the fcuker doesn't think my wife's got a lush arse? I'll kill him!
Unkle Munky - I give up.
Sophie from Stockport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how's Rolf doing?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sophie, I just spoke to his management and they say that he is fine. Apparently he's even doing a spot of canoeing today!
Sophie replies - Oh great, he could drown then?
Having a good bank
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Doug from Redditch asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently opened an account at a sperm bank and was wondering when I would receive my free money box?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Doug, sperm banks, unlike building society's and high street banks, do not usually offer free gifts as enticements. By donating your sperm you are helping someone, somewhere to realise a dream. Expecting to receive free gifts for simply having a wank would indicate to me that you are not suitable for the sperm donation programme. You may want to open a deposit account with Natwest. They offer a free money box, pen and calculator.
2/2
Dear Unkle Munky, I took your advise and attempted to open an account at Natwest. I now have a court case pending and am banned from all of their branches. You really should have informed me that masturbation was not a prerequisite of attaining such an account! I feel like a proper tit. You will be hearing from my solicitor and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Whatever Doug, whatever.
Martin from Somerset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, at 18 years of age, isn't my girlfriend a bit old for Teletubbies? She seems to favour the green one for some reason and has at least five of them in her bedroom?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Martin, there's nothing wrong with liking the Teletubbies... I quite like the red one myself. Just leave it!
Pete from Lincoln asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have noticed recently that, whenever I get into a brawl, my body seems to break-out in these horrible bruises. Do you think I may have caught something from one of my assailants?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Pete, a bruise, or contusion, is caused when blood vessels are damaged or broken as the result of a blow to the skin. You do not 'catch' a bruise, as you would a cold or a std. Simply taking a more passive approach to trouble will cure your bothersome bruises in no time.
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Lucy from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have an interview for a job on Monday at the famous furniture store, DFS. I have been advised by friends to study the history behind the store, as this may boost my chances of getting the poxy job. With this in mind, Unkle Munky, I was wondering what DFS actually stands for?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lucy, what a lovely name. Your friends are right of course, expressing an interest in the history of a prospective employer will always put you one step ahead of the competition. It will also confirm that you are an extremely sad person who spends most of her spare time surfing the internet for sites relating to a poxy furniture store. As to your question, 'What does DFS stand for'? I have spent all morning surfing the internet and can confirm that DFS stands for top quality furniture at a price that's right!
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Lucy replies - No, you Munky faced fcuker! I meant, what do the 'letters' DFS stand for!? Jeezus, you really are shit at this agony business.
Unkle Munky replies - Oh I see. I do apologise. I have spent most of the afternoon surfing the internet and can confirm that DFS stands for - 'Da Furniture Store'.
...this agony business is really wearing my self esteem down and no mistake...
Brian from Walthamstow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently made a discovery with regards to red headed women. It has long been assumed that their fiery nature is somehow linked to their aforementioned tresses. I can confirm that this is complete spunk bubble. Last night I cut off my girlfriend's red hair as she slept in my protective arms. She has been in a fowl mood all day and says that I am a complete wanker. Surely this proves that her hair was never the issue and that she's just naturally a bit hot headed?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Brian, cutting any girls hair in such a fashion is bound to lead to a certain amount of animosity. I would, on this occasion, suggest that you try the same experiment on a blonde. A similar response will surely render your experiment void?