Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
No More Munky Anymore...
This week - Ex Spice Girl, Ms. Emma Bumton, casts her legal eagle eye over Munky's column...
Don from Reditch asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently got into trouble at work for remixing the shipping forecast with Madonna’s twelve inch version of ’Like a prayer’. Apparently, my mixing technique almost caused a serious incident in the North sea. I have been informed by a superior that my position at ‘Ship FM’ is now in serious jeopardy. Can they really sack me for this Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Don, I have occasionally come across these tiring shipping forecasts when searching for ‘Banana FM’ on my ultra stylish state of the art pocket radio. They have always struck me as being tedious in the extreme. You are to be congratulated for attempting to spice them up a little. As to your question, I have contacted my new legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton, and she says -
‘He’s basically up 'Shit Creek' without a paddle and no mistake Unkle Munky!’.
Thanks Ms. Bumton.
Wayne from Doncaster asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been expelled from school for wearing this lovely jumper. Can they jeopardise my education over something so trivial Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Wayne, I passed your knitwear query onto my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton. Her reply is as follows -
Dear Wayne, your teachers are talking complete bollocks! Expelling anyone for merely wearing a bloody awful jumper is, to be quite frank, a fcukin’ disgrace! I can only assume, on this occasion, that both your terrible basin haircut and mono styled eyebrow may have influenced your current predicament.
Unkle Munky says - Ahem, thanks Ms. Bumton.
‘Professional’ agony aunt, Claire Rayner from Butts Inn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, since when did Emma Bumton suddenly become an expert on legal matters? I am all too aware that her singing career is in decline, but surely she isn’t desperate enough to work for a munky!?
Unkle Munky says - Just butt out of it Rayner! Emma’s credentials are more than adequate (see attached jpeg). As a child she studied, ‘Starsky and Hutch’ - ‘Hill street blues’ and ‘The dukes of hazard’. Perhaps you should research your facts a little closer before attempting to discredit my staff!?
- Actually, I saw two things Ms. Bumton (-;
Steve from Aylsbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think that your new legal advisor might remove her top for us at any stage?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Steve, I am afraid that there is very little chance of Ms. Bumton displaying her lovely breasts. I have already broached this subject as I thought it might help increase my readership. Apparently, I am due in court next week to answer a charge of ‘sexual harassment’. She’s bloody good and no mistake.
Linda from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think that the earth will one day be visited by beings from distant galaxies?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, I think they may already be here.
Emma Bumton adds - Please note that Unkle Munky's opinions regarding Ms. Dion's alien credentials are based on pure speculation and are in way reflective of those who possess a sound and intelligent mind.
Unkle Munky replies - Thanks Emma...?
Weather... or not.
Dawn from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am taking part in marathon on Friday and was wondering if you could give me a weather prediction?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dawn, you came to the right munky. I have numerous aids to help me predict the weather and have consulted each and every one of them for this forecast. After twelve exhausting hours of data processing, my Sinclair ZX Spectrum came up with the attached weather symbol.
Dawn replies - It's a bit vague Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - You ungrateful tart! My wonderful symbol covers almost all eventualities for this time of the year!
Legal disclaimer. Ms. Emma Bumton on behalf of Unkle Munky.
I would like to make it clear that Munky has NO experience whatsoever with regards to weather prediction. These amateurish forecasts are little more than guesswork and therefore must not be depended upon when planning important events.
Unkle Munky says - This wasn't what I had in mind at all...
Rita from Runcorn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, both my boyfriend and myself have been given a life sentence for purchasing a George Michael CD. This strikes me as rather unfair as women tend to live longer than men. What do you think Munky boy?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rita, I can confirm that George’s solo career has failed to flourish in the way that many would have expected. A promising start is all well and good, but a steady stream of hits are required if your name is to remain upon the lips of the record buying public.
Emma Bumton adds - Unkle Munky does not support careless whispering.
Unkle Munky says - What the fcuk…?
Wayne from Doncaster asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was recently expelled from school for wearing a ‘god awful jumper’. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I have now been banned from the city centre for wearing this lovely little number. Can my civil rights be impinged in this way Unkle Munky or, as I suspect, are the council talking out of their collectives arses?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Wayne, I have passed your query onto my legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton. For my own part, however, I can only sympathise with anyone who has had the misfortune to come into contact with your bloody awful jumper.
Unkle Munky’s legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton, replies - Dear Wayne, to be quite frank, your latest knitwear faux pas is little better than the previous abortion! Your lack of attention to general grooming also leaves a lot to be desired. The council may have been a little harsh in banning you from the city centre, but perhaps this is the only way to hammer home the seriousness of your crime. In short, Wayne, you forfeited any rights (be they civil or otherwise) when you appeared in public looking like a poor man‘s version of Pete Doherty! Sort it out!
Don't you ever...
Garth from Darlington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, you recently included a terrifying Jpeg of Wham on one of your ‘Unkle Munky’ agony pages. My computer monitor now bears the scorched markings of their atomic teeth! Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Garth, I have contacted my legal advisor and she is adamant (actually she’s Emma Bumton, but on the weekend she likes to dress up like the Prince Charming) and she confirms my initial thoughts. You’re talking bollocks and you will not be receiving a brand new 19” LCD Monitor from me!!!
Graham from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, both my mate Alan and myself purchased a new pair of Doc Martens today. His are a size 10 and mine are a size 8. Does this mean he's won?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I can confirm that Alan has whipped your skinny arse yet again. Have you considered flip flops?
Richard from Gateshead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the grass is always greener on the other side?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Richard, I attended the other side just last week as part of my community service programme. I can confirm that rumours regarding the rich hues of their lawns are wildly exaggerated. Sadly, most of their grass has been replaced with paving stones and what little does remain is overgrown, fouled with dog mess and littered with syringes. In answer to your question Richard, the grass is definitely not greener on the other side.
The pompous irony of Sting
Simon from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have heard a terrible rumour regarding the imminent release of a new CD by that Sting wanker. How would you recommend I best avoid the tosser Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, I inadvertently stumbled across a track from the tantric tosser's new album recently whilst attempting to tune my state-of-the art AM pocket radio into Munky FM. Doctors say I should make a satisfactory recovery by Xmas and that, given time and counselling, I will be able to put the whole sorry episode behind me. I can only suggest, on this occasion, that you sever all links with any forms of media that might transmit his bullshit. You may also wish to avoid googling words such as, shit, toss, wank and ego. Good luck.
Graham from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whilst cleaning out the attic recently I came across my original birth certificate. Tell me, Unkle Munky, was it customary to grade said certificates in the early 70's? Apparently I'm a B+?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I can confirm that birth certificates were indeed graded during the seventies as part of a goverment experiment that has never been widely explained. My legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, has recommended that we let this one drop. You might be interested to learn, by the way, that your friend Alan has an 'A+ with honours' stamped on his birth certificate.
Graham from Bolton replies - Does that mean he's won again?
Unkle Munky says - Yes Graham, I'm afraid it does.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, it is said (amongst certain sections of society) that a falling tree will scream in pain when out of human earshot. Could such a thing be true Unkle Munky, or are these new age cronies pulling our collective plonkers?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, these rumours, by their very nature, cannot be proven. I suspect, however, that the screams in question are probably emanating from that self-confessed tree-hugging toss pot, Sting.
Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you are probably aware, I am an extremely attractive young model with a beautiful skin tone, stunning teeth and perfect nostrils. With all of these things in mind, I was wondering... do I really need to wear a seatbelt? I find that they cut into my breath-takingly flat stomach and leave unsightly red marks that remain about my shapely person for, literally, minutes. Surely I am far too gorgeous for these kind of shenanigans?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, failing to adhere to the seatbelt laws will either end in an hefty fine or ultimately, death. Being beautiful does not give you the right to waive these facts. On a purely personal note, I find seatbelts on ladies quite arousing. It's a tit thing.
No More Munky by The Primates, available in a bargain bin near you soon!!!