Unkle Munky is brought to you courtesy of Typoo Tea.
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Here are a few problems that Munky has already solved -
Jane from Stockport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend is growing suspicious of my fake orgasms. How can I make them more real?
Munky says - Hello Jane. Firstly, don’t worry. All women fake orgasms. I suspect you are merely making the same mistake that my ex use to make? She would start groaning before I’d even got my pecker up! Please be sure that your boyfriend has actually penetrated you before turning on the act. Let me know how you get on. I may require video footage before being able to assist you further. Good luck.
Andy from Liverpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my new pc takes approximately ten minutes to boot up. It is only three weeks old. I purchased it from PC World. Can you help?
Munky says - Hello Andy. Firstly, don’t worry. PC World are crap, and that may be your problem. Ten minutes does sound a little extreme. I suggest you pursue a hobby and put this time to good use. I’ve started painting hard boiled eggs as I also bought a computer from PC World. Good luck.
Susan from Rochester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfiend keeps trying to shove his winky up my bum. Is this normal? Will it hurt? Are there any side effects?
Munky says - Susan! Did you not read my notes (see above). I refuse to answer questions relating to buggery! It's a disgrace.
Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the square root of 40?
Munky says - Dear Alan, the square root of 40 is 6.2245553
Sarah from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend always eats the grapes from within my trolley when we are shopping at Tesco. I am worried that we could be arrested for shoplifting, as the grapes are not technically ours until we've been through the checkout? Please help. I'm at my wits end.
Munky says - Dear Sarah, grapes grow on trees (or bushes, I'm not good on anything that hasn't been processed). Tesco should not be charging you for them in the first place! Chill out.
Dave from Norwich asks - Dear Unkle Sunky, I have a parrot who insists on saying 'fcuk off' whenever my mother-in-law is visiting. Please help, I am also at my wits end.
Munky says - Dear Dave, how much do you want for him?
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Unkle Munky is brought to you courtesy of Typoo Tea.
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
More of your problems...
Nigel from Devon asks - Dear Unkle Sunky, I harbour dark suicidal thoughts that leave me both physically and mentally exhausted. Due to a heady cocktail of prescribed drugs my speech has become almost unintelligible. Please help. You guessed it, I am really at my wits end.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Nigel, have you considered working for a call centre? I believe that the vast majority only employ people with poor annunciation. Listening to others whine about their technical difficulties might also help you to realise that you are not the only one with problems.
Simon from Colechester says - Dear Unkle Munky, I think I might be allergic to my girlfriend. Whenever she is near I get all hot and sweaty, my knees tremble and I sometimes say things that don't make sense. Will I have to dump her or are there pills available for my condition?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, the symptoms that you explain lead me to just one conclusion. You are in love. I look forward to hearing from you in the future when you will no doubt be requesting advice on the following - premature ejaculation, housing benefits, midlife crisis and, of course, divorce. Once love bites young Simon there is very little that you can do about it. I suggest you sell your CD collection, your electric guitar and any other possessions that pertain to 'dreams'. Of course, it's not all bad... no, I'm struggling for examples. Take care Simon, my thoughts are with you.
Vicky from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, there’s a bloke I know who smells of urine, but that’s not important right now. Thing is, he keeps trying to sell me drugs that I don’t want. What should I do?
PS. I am really at my wits end.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Vicky, in the early nineteen eighties children were taught to, 'Just say 'No!' I have found this to be a totally ineffective slogan and would suggest instead that you 'Just say no, thanks.' Manners, after-all, cost nothing.
Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if a man goes into a chemist and buys four tubes of toothpaste at 67p per tube, how much change should he expect to get from a fiver?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, what I am to you? Some kinda personal calculator? Firstly, I have my suspicions about the bloke in question. I mean four tubes of toothpaste? What's that about? He more than likely wanted condoms, but lost his nerve at the last minute. In answer to your question £2.32
Alan from Wales says - Dear Unkle Munky, I forgot to say - I am at my wits end.
Unkle Munky says - Whatever Alan, whatever.
George from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I just came across a carrot that is shaped like an erect penis. What should I do with it?
Unkle Munky says - Dear George, do you really want me to answer that?
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Unkle Munky is brought to you courtesy of Typoo Tea.
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
More of your problems...
Angela from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my bloody boyfriend is driving me mad! The bar of soap in the bathrrom is always covered in his fuckin' pubic hair! I have explained how gross this is but he does not seem to care. What can I do? To be quite frank, I am at my wits end!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Angela, Your pubic soap nightmares can be banished in one night by simply shaving the hairy ape-like bastard as he sleeps.
Wayne from Birmingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do some monkeys have horrible red bums?
Unkle Munky say - Cheeky bastard!
Laura from Tamworth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, please can you explain the offside rule so that I can impress my boyfriend during the World Cup.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Laura, I believe it is better that you don’t know. Men generally like to feel superior about these things. You will appear far more endearing to your boyfriend if you just act dumb. And anyway, I have neither a saltcellar or a pepper-pot to hand.
Kevin from Colchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have two spots on my chest that I just can't shift! They are perfectly symmetrical and are both approx. the size of a one pound coin. I have tried Oxy, Clearasil and even an 'old wives' remedy that contained the urine of a virgin pig. Please help. To be quite frank, I am at my wits end!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kevin, no amount of antibacterial skin care product or, for that matter, pig piss is going to eradicate what are essentially, your NIPPLES! Fer god's sake.
Samantha from Lowestoft asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I keep seeing dead people. What's wrong with me? Please help. I am at my wits end and I don't think I can take much more.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Samantha, I see from your letter that you are currently residing in Lowestoft. I would venture to say that, instead of seeing dead people, you are merely seeing old people. Perhaps you should move to Wits End? It seems very popular for some reason?
Alan from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, you recently told me that the square root of 40 was 6.2245553. The answer is actually 6.3245553 - I have failed my exam because of your inept mathematical skills!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan. I'm a munky, what do you expect!
Gerald from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what time is it?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gerald, It is 8.57pm.
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Gary from Pee Sea World says -
If it's good enough for Gary, it's good enough for Munky!
Wankers!
Unkle Munky is brought to you courtesy of Typoo Tea.
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
More of your problems...
Whitney from Houston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, How will I know if he really loves me? How will I know if he really cares?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Whitney, I am tired of giving you advice. You seem hell bent on ruining your life. Ditch that Bobby Brown and perhaps we can talk.
Gareth from Gateshead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a builder by trade and am worried that the recent water restrictions may ultimately lead to the banning of my spirit level? Is this likely to happen? Please help, I am at my wits end.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gareth, The government have yet to ban spirit levels. Until they do so I recommend that you continue building walls in the usual way. Please note however that concrete must now be mixed with your own saliva (and that of your colleagues) as hose-pipes are most definitely out of the question.
Martin from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend says that the grieving process can affect different people in different ways. Whereas I do accept this, I cannot help but feel slightly upset as, since the death of our goldfish, she has slept her way through half of the bleedin' neighbourhood! Should I be concerned Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Martin, it sounds to me as if your girlfriend is finding it hard to accept the death of your dear goldfish. I run special classes for such cases and would, for a small charge, be more than willing to help her out.
Paul from Swindon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my penis is only five inches long when fully erect. Is this abnormal? How can I make it bigger?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Paul, the average size of a fully erect penis is six inches. You therefore have very little to worry about (no pun intended). As for increasing the size, why not do what I do? Measure it in centimetres. 12.7 sounds so much more impressive that 5.
Trudy from Southport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend always shrieks the name of his ex wife, Claire, when we are making love. It is causing a great strain on our relationship. Please help. I can see wits end on the horizon and it's not a place that I wish to visit.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trudy, simply type 'deed poll' into a search engine and follow the instructions. Legally changing your name is a very easy process and the costs are minimal.
Jennifer from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you know where my ipod is? I had it this morning and now I can’t find it anywhere.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jennifer, check underneath that pile of ironing in the kitchen.
Sophie from London asks - Dear Unkle Munky, due to a burst water-main, I recently arrived home early from my place of work. It was with a sense of profound shock that I then found my brother parading around the living room in a pair of my knickers. Luckily I was able to save both of our blushes and left the house without his knowing I had ever been there. Please help. I just don't know what to do for the best. I really am at my wits end.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sophie, I do appreciate your loyalty but also feel that you maybe slightly overreacting. Your superiors are solely responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of the building in which you work. Water-mains burst all the time, I am sure it will be fixed promptly.
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Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
More of your problems...
Trevor from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am having difficulty connecting to the internet using my Sinclair ZX Spectrum. I wondered if you could recommend a suitable alternative.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, the Sinclair ZX Spectrum is not really suited to the task of web browsing. Why not give Commodore’s mighty 64 a try?
John from Sussex asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was recently frisked at a local nightclub and, as a result, had my cucumber confiscated. Can they do this?
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, sawn-off cucumbers are becoming quite a menace on the streets of late. Though I understand your concerns, I must on this occasion question your motives for attempting to enter a club with said vegetable. I suggest you learn from this experience and move on. I myself have switched my allegiance to turnips.
Melanie from the Isle of Wight asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my granny believes that euthanasia is an exotic eastern country full of beautiful and wondrous sights. She has booked a return flight with Careless Airways and is insistent that we shall see her again soon. What do you think of England’s chances in the World Cup then?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Melanie, I think we are destined, as ever, to throw it all away just when it matters. Beckham’s hair, at least, is looking good though?
Carl from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you have the recipe for eggs?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Carl, yes I do. Open the box.
Unkle Munky Recommends...
More of your dilemmas...
Andy from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have often heard it said - 'If at first you don't succeed, try and try again'. I have now failed to install Windows XP Home edition on my new laptop for the third time. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Andy, it sounds to me as if you have quite a strong case here. You must first approach the person/munky who told you to, 'Try and try again.' They have shown an alarming disregard for both yourself and your pc. If a private reconciliation is not forthcoming then I would strongly advise legal action on your part. If your claim is unsuccessful - try and try again!
Katie from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, someone left the cake out in the rain! I don't think that I can take it, 'cause it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Katie, I really wouldn't bother making a song and dance about it.
Simone from Wolverhampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am due to marry my trainspotter boyfriend, Brian, in two weeks time. He is insistant that the train attached to my wedding dress should carry an approved cargo number so that he (and his weirdo mates) can add it to the timetable logs for that specific day. Is he going too far Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simone, trainspotters are a law unto themselves. I suggest that you think long and hard about your forthcoming nuptials. You will know in your heart of hearts if this nutter is right for you. I suspect, judging from your enclosed photo, that he is wronger than a gary glitter tribute act at a childs birthday party. What you need is a bit of munky magic. Remember, you can always play for time on the big day by claiming that there is confetti on the aisle.
Charlie from Cambridge asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I purchased a cd in the late 70's entitled, 'Walking on the moon' by The Police. I have since learned that the 'Eagle' was nothing more than a bacofoil mock-up in a Hollywood studio and that the whole moon landing incident was little more than an elaborate hoax! I also hear that a monkey made it into space before man did? I feel cheated. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Charlie, you really must put an end to these increasingly outlandish claims. Taking on that Sting bloke will only end in tears. Do you really want to stand in a witness box opposite a tantric tosser who will probably take his shirt off for no apparent reason?
Incidentally, I can confirm that a monkey did indeed make it into space before man. We're far more evolved than you give us credit for.
A Tribute.
Even more of your problems...
Linda from Rochester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do I cry when peeling onions?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, it is highly plausible that, in a former life, you tragically lost an onion that had been very close to you. What you are experiencing is a phenomenon known as post traumatic psychic related grief.
Harry from London asks - Dear Unkle Sunky, I have just had the worst week of my life.
My best friend, Dave, ran off with my girlfriend.
My parents legally divorced me.
My hamster caught bird flu from an over-sexed pigeon and was subsequently put down by a vet who looked remarkably like Marilyn Manson.
My microwave oven developed a fault and inadvertently fried my bollocks.
I was wrongly arrested for 'Dogging without due care and attention.
The ‘Go West’ reunion tour was cancelled due to artistic indifference...
and finally, to top it all, I have caught an std from a turnip related incident that I would rather not discuss right now. Can you help me Munky? I'm at my wits end and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harry, what you need is a nice cuppa tea.
Stephen from Brighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my mother recently requested that her ashes be scattered upon the nudist section of Brighton beach. Getting her to burn, however, is proving far more troublesome than any of us had anticipated. Any ideas?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stephen, I often use Brighton beach myself! The last thing I need is the spirit of your dear old mum ogling my bright red munky bottom. For this reason alone I am withholding any advice pertaining to human torches.
Kev from Croydon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a star for my girlfriends twenty-first birthday. Unfortunately she wanted a Babyliss hair straightening kit and the new Shayne Ward cd. She has withdrawn sex until I make amends. Is she being fair Unkle Munky? I am in an internet cafe at Wits End, please advice me at your earliest possible convenience. I shall surf for porn whilst I wait.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kev, I don't really blame your girlfriend to be honest. Straightening any type of hair with an astral body is something that has eluded Nasa boffins for many, many years. You would be better advised to surf for a suitable replacement rather than perving over naked women.
Nicola from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend has not been the same since you posted that picture of Shayne Ward. I fear he maybe hiding homosexual tendencies. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Nicola, you are asking the wrong munky. I have been fighting my own sexual demons since posting that damn Babyliss ad. I am on the phone to that Claire Rayner as we speak.
Claire Rayner speaks...
Fanny Head from Georgia asks - Dear Unkle Munky, lately I've been losing my hair, and have had a strange desire for space flight...any ideas?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Fanny, losing your hair is nothing to be ashamed of. I recently lost mine to an 18 stone hulk of a man who bet me my locks (yes, pubes and all) that I couldn't sing the national anthem after twelve pints of Guinness. I blame myself entirely, as I cannot sing the national anthem before twelve pints of Guinness. There is something strange about waiting for a taxi in the dead of night whilst clutching a Tesco carrier bag full of hair. There is something even stranger about getting your mates granny to glue it all back into place with dentofix. My advise? Take off into space my friend, it can be no stranger than this planet we call earth. Good luck.
Richard from Blackpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I hear that blueberrys are benificial to memory. Is this true?
Unkle Munky says- Dear Richard, due to the current blueberry shortage, I am having trouble remembering your question...
Veronica from Cambridge asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend recently bought me an E500XT engine crane for my birthday. What am I to do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Veronica, wow! That guy must really love you. I have the E450X and have found it to be perfect for all of my engine removal needs. The E500XT is surely the Rolls Royce of engine cranes. Congratulations.
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Karen from Rochester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am an R & B soul diva kinda chick. I like to shake my bootylicious ass to the likes of Jo Lo, Mariah Carey and Christina Milian. My problem is, I have met a nice lad named Dave... and he's a Goth. Could there be medical complications with regards to any future pregnancy?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Karen, you have no need to worry. There is absolutely no reason at all why a soul diva and a Goth should not produce a perfectly healthy little baby. I myself was the product of a punk and a hippy. It never did me any harm, though I do have a tendency to spit on flowers occasionally.